2014-11-27 - Planning To Lose

Dilbert: If our business plan fails, do we have a plan for that?
Boss: Only losers plan for failure.
Dilbert: I think we're on the same page, but for some reason you're angry about it.

2014-11-26 - I Need Solutions Not Unexpected Problems

Boss: Are you going to meet the launch deadline?
Dilbert: No.
There were unexpected problems.
Boss: I need solutions, not unexpected problems!
Did that mean anything?
Dilbert: Almost.
Good try.

2014-11-25 - Launch Beta In Two Months

Dilbert: And I plan to launch the beta version in two months.
Group: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Dilbert: I have a credibility problem.
Dogbert: And I should believe that?

2014-11-24 - Winning The Bid

Dilbert: The good news is that we had the winning bid for the project.
The less-good news is that we don't make the product we just sold, nor could we make it for the price we bid.
My plan is to put out an RFP to secretly subcontract the work to a bigger liar.
CEO: That could work.

2014-11-23 - Sunday Dilbert

Wally: Is it okay if I telecommute on "Bring Your Kid To Work" Day?
I'll show my kid how I work from home.
Boss: How would I know you were working?
Wally: What??!!
That is exactly the sort of distrust that corrodes the motivation of employees!
How can I feel good about my job in this toxic atmosphere?
Boss: Okay, okay.
You can work from home on "Bring Your Kid To Work" Day.
Dilbert: You don't have a kid.
Wally: I hear they ruin your naps.

2014-11-22 - Boss Transfers Problem To Someone Else

Dilbert:I'm hitting a snag with this RFP because our products don't do what they need.
Should I give up and accept failure or lie about our features and transfer the problem to them?
Boss: My daddy used to say it isn't a problem if you can give it to someone else.
Dilbert: Then he drove you to school?

2014-11-16 - Sunday Dilbert

Boss: You haven't achieved any of your goals for the year.
What is up with that?
Dilbert: Do you want an explanation that goes back to the root cause?
Boss: Of course.
Dilbert: The problem started years ago, when two idiots unwisely created a third smaller idiot.
They compounded their mistake with bad parenting.
The toddler ate candy and sniffed wet paint until he became a pointy-headed boss.
The pointy-headed boss set goals for his underlings that ignored the rapidly evolving nature of the industry.
Then he got angry at his most talented employee for giving an accurate answer to a question.
Boss: I hate you.
Dilbert: Nothing could halt the downward spiral.

2014-11-14 - CEO dies and is reborn

Comic Strip Series - CEO dies and is reborn

2014-11-13 - Ted is dead

Comic Strip Series - Ted is dead

2014-11-12 - Ted is dead

Comic Strip Series - Ted is dead

2014-11-11 - Ted is dead

Comic Strip Series - Ted is dead

2014-11-10 - Work Harder Than The Competition

CEO: We can only succeed if we work harder than our competitors!
Oops, gotta go.
My helicopter is here to take me to my massage appointment on my superyacht.
Stop staring at me.
I only have to work harder than other CEOs.

2014-11-09 - Sunday Dilbert

CEO: The company has two exciting announcements.
We are launching a new artificial meat product.
In unrelated news, our manufacturing plant is now fully automated by robots.
Wow.
It got quiet in here.
Dilbert: I don't want to say we have no trust in senior management, but...
did you order the robots to kill all of the manufacturing employees and turn them into a meat product?
CEO: Before I answer that, can we agree that capitalism has some rough edges?

2014-11-08

Asok: Is it my imagination or is there no career path here from intern to anything else?
Catbert: If we promote you, we just have to find another intern.
No one wins in that scenario.
Asok: Actually, I would be the winner in that scenario.
Catbert: I've never thought of it that way and I don't like it.

2014-11-07

Catbert: Egyptian pharaohs killed the engineers who build their pyramids so they would never share their secrets.
Dilbert: No...
I don't think they did.
Catbert: Really?
Dang!
Can we reschedule this meeting until I find a historically accurate explanation of our new policy?

2014-11-06

Dilbert: I discovered a unique sequence of sights and sounds that makes people buy things they don't need.
I recommend that we destroy all of my lab notes and rid the world of this evil tool.
CEO: You never told him what marketing is?
Boss: He didn't need to know.

2014-11-05 - CEO Kills Sales

Comic Strip Series - CEO Kills Sales

2014-11-04 - CEO Kills Sales

Comic Strip Series - CEO Kills Sales

2014-11-03

Phil: I am Phil, The Prince of Insufficient Light.
I got a report that you wished bad karma upon your co-workers.
Dilbert: You would put off a more menacing vibe if you didn't have leftover cereal in your pitchspoon.
Phil: I was really hungry and I didn't feel like emptying the dishwasher.
Dilbert: We've all been there.

2014-11-02 - Sunday Dilbert

Boss: The key to good time management is touching each piece of paper once.
If I can only touch it once, I'd better do it right.
I'll need to make sure I don't get interrupted after the first touch.Turn off my phone, close my door, and ignore email.
Okay, here goes one touch.
Ugh.
This will take an hour and I only have ten minutes.
Make a copy, throw away the original, and don't let me touch the copy until I have an hour in my schedule.
I wonder if I'm allowed to use salad tongs.

2014-11-01

Dilbert: I would like to thank each of you for playing with your phones and not listening to a word I said all meeting.
I hope karma is a real thing and frozen lavatory debris from airplanes kills each of you.
Alice: What was he going on about?
Wally: Beats me.
I'm not much of a multitasker.

2014-10-31 - Inexperienced Guy

Comic Strip Series - Inexperienced Guy

2014-10-30 - Inexperienced Guy

Comic Strip Series - Inexperienced Guy

2014-10-29

Alice: I'm trying to turn myself into a morning person so I can be more productive.
I've been getting up at 4:30 every day, and so far, so good.
Dilbert: So...
no problems at all?
Alice: Nothing huge.
I've brushed my teeth with face cream a few times.

2014-10-28

Coworker: Three months.
That's how long I have been waiting for you to do your part of the project.
Wally: Perhaps you don't realize how many projects I'm on.
Coworker: Have you done any work for the other projects?
Wally: That would defeat the point of having multiple projects.

2014-10-27 - Graphic Designer

Comic Strip Series - Graphic Designer

2014-10-26 - Sunday Dilbert

Wally: Studies show that continually checking email lowers your functional I.Q.
You advised me to "work smarter," so I plan to ignore all of your email from now on.
Boss: What if I text you instead?
Wally: That's the sort of question that one asks after checking email too often.
Boss: Did you just insult me?
Wally: That answer is in your email.
Boss: Where is it?
I don't see any email from you.
But I see six new emails that look important.
What were we talking about.
Wally: You were complimenting me on my efficiency.

2014-10-25 - Graphic Designer

Comic Strip Series - Graphic Designer

2014-10-24

Boss: The new business school rankings are out.
Dilbert: Is that the list that is based on the votes of people who have no direct knowledge of those schools?
Boss: You ruin everything.
Dilbert: Context is not your friend.

2014-10-23

Alice: I met with that angel investor at his house and he answered the door pantsless and drunk.
So I snapped a few photos with my phone and secured a million-dollar seed investment.
Was that wrong?
Dilbert: Let's call it a tie.

2014-10-22

Alice: An angel investor agreed to meet with me about my start-up idea.
Dilbert: You need to be careful because he might be...
Alice: We're meeting for drinks at his house on Saturday night.
Dilbert: I'm socially inept and even I know that sounds wrong.
Alice: He keeps texting to say he can't wait to fund me.

2014-10-21 - Temporary Robot Boss

Comic Strip Series - Temporary Robot Boss

2014-10-20 - Temporary Robot Boss

Comic Strip Series - Temporary Robot Boss

2014-10-19 - Temporary Robot Boss

Comic Strip Series - Temporary Robot Boss

2014-10-18 - Temporary Robot Boss

Comic Strip Series - Temporary Robot Boss

2014-10-17 - Temporary Robot Boss

Comic Strip Series - Temporary Robot Boss

2014-10-16 - Temporary Robot Boss

Comic Strip Series - Temporary Robot Boss

2014-10-15

Boss: You two have failed to meet your project milestones.
Dilbert: That's because you paired me with a toxic moron who is incapable of having an original thought.
Coworker: That happened to me, too.

2014-10-14

Dilbert: Hey, it's the first day of our new dress code and we wore exactly the same outfits!
Alice: If you ever say that again I will rip out your tongue and use it to slap you to death.
Dilbert: Is it because I wore it better?

2014-10-13

Dilbert: This is our new company dress code.
We call it "Business Dorky."
Dogbert: I like it because it makes you look powerless, boring, and sexually irrelevant.
Dilbert: They make me wear this badge so I don't look like an asexual trespasser.
Dogbert: Accessories make the outfit.

2014-10-12 - Sunday Dilbert

Coworker: The software upgrade will be written and rolled out in three months.
Dilbert: Has any project of this complexity ever been completed by the estimated finish date?
Coworker: Not yet.
We're confident we'll be the first.
Dilbert: Is that because you're doing things differently from all of those who went before and failed?
Coworker: No.
We're doing things exactly the same way as the people who failed.
Dilbert: Do you see what I'm getting at?
Coworker: No, not really.
And we expect to be on budget.
Wally: Snork!

2014-10-11

Catbert: Our new dress code is "Business Dorky."
Your clothes must be dorky, unstylish, and 50% tan colored.
Dilbert: So...
business casual?
Catbert: That's a dumb name for it.

2014-10-10

Dilbert: Did you see the article on the Internet about the five signs you might be a bad boss?
Boss: Yeah.
About seventy people forwarded it to me.
Dilbert: That was number three on the list.
Boss: I didn't read it.
Dilbert: That was number one.

2014-10-09

Catbert: I'm getting complaints that you've been trash-talking employees' families so they'll spend more time at work.
I stopped by to give you a high-five from Human Resources.
Your aim is terrible.
Boss: The first one was practice~

2014-10-08

Boss: Carol, I know it isn't easy balancing your work duties and your family.
So I thought it would help if I trash-talk your family.
That way you won't feel so guilty when you ignore them to do my busywork.
I'll start with your husband.
Carol: Don't bother.
I got that one covered.