Dilbert: The unethical scientist we hired to support our product claims started today.
Boss: Write a press release that says whatever we want him to say and put his name on it.
Dilbert: Should we show it to him?
Boss: That feels like overkill.
Boss: We're looking for a scientist who can be easily influenced by money to back our product claims.
Lawyer: I'm perfect for that job.
I have no ethnical boundaries whatsoever.
Boss: But you won't try to con us, right?
Lawyer: You can't have it both ways.
Boss: We won a government contract to measure ocean temperatures.
Dilbert: Which part of the ocean?
Boss: The whole ocean.
Dilbert: We can't put sensors everywhere in the ocean.
It's too big.
Boss: We can measure a bunch of places and estimate the rest.
Dilbert: So...you want me to measure 1% of the ocean's temperature and estimate the other 99%?
I don't know how to do that.
Boss: Try using math.
Dilbert: Wouldn't it be cheaper to measure nothing and just estimate the whole thing?
Boss: Every now and then you come up with a great idea.
Dilbert: I'm feeling overwhelmed by all the things I need to get done.
Boss: Have you tried eliminating your personal life?
Dilbert: That took care of itself.
Boss: Okay, that's the only idea I had.
Man: That's not the way we did it at my last company.
Dilbert: Now I hate you and I don't want to interact with you in any way in the future.
Man: Okay, that sounds just like my last company.
Dogbert: Welcome to Dogbert's school of unconventional self-defense.
I'm handing out a list of my personal enemies.
Your homework is to kill them before sunrise.
Voice: That isn't self-defense.
Dogbert: Wow.
All you can think about is you, you, you.
Boss: And I've improved employee engagement by nineteen percent.
CEO: What is employee engagement?
Boss: I'm not entirely sure.
CEO: Then how do you measure it?
Boss: Honestly, I wasn't expecting a lot of questions.
Boss: Asok, your employee engagement has been a bit soft this quarter.
I expect a higher level of irrational enthusiasm for the endless string of thankless tasks you call your job.
Asok: How's this?
Boss: I also want to see an unnatural preference for work over leisure.
Boss: Why is your employee engagement so low?
Dilbert: Because I'm relatively immune to brainwashing.
Boss: Okay, I didn't think you knew.
Dilbert: I created a simulated world made entirely of software.
I programmed all of the people in the simulation to think they are real people with free will.
Dogbert: Are they sentient beings?
Dilbert: They think they are.
Dogbert: What if they discover their true nature?
Dilbert: I programmed limits into their physics so they can never observe the walls of their reality.
For example, they can't get to the edge of their universe because they can't exceed the speed of light.
And they can't find out what they are made of because, to them, it looks like probability at the quantum level.
Dogbert: Wouldn't those limits tip of the smart ones?
Dilbert: I coded them to not trust smart people.
Dilbert: Do you like my idea?
Boss: I need to think about it.
Dilbert: You mean you plan to wait a few weeks and then act as if it was your idea?
Boss: Now that idea I like right away.
Boss: Our new advertising campaign is "Don't be like men."
The ad starts with a montage of bad male behavior, from mansplaining to genocide.
Then we show our product.
Alice: Did a woman come up with this campaign?
Boss: Stop being like a man.
Boss: You haven't finished the mandatory compliance training modules.
Alice: I'm waiting for a strategic time to do them.
Boss: Oh, okay.
Want to go to lunch?
Alice: I would love to, but I have training modules to do.
Man: My new meds totally eliminated my libido.
But my doctor says I need them.
Dilbert: Does your wife mind?
Man: Not since she started dating my doctor.
Dogbert the internet debate coach
Dogbert: Always back up your opinion with links to articles.
Asok: What if the only links I can find are from non-credible sources?
Dogbert: I'll do some research.
But I think that's the only kind there is.
Dogbert the Internet Debate Coach
Dogbert: Never give reasons for your opinions.
That only gives your opponent fodder for proving you're an idiot.
Asok: Then how can I win a debate on social media?
Dogbert: No one knows.
It has never been done.
Boss: My wife is the smart one in the family.
Everything I know about management I learned from her.
Dilbert: Do you have a minute?
Boss: Whatever.
Dilbert: Whatever?
Are you mad at me?
Boss: No, not at all.
Everything is fine.
Dilbert: If you have a problem with me, why don't you just tell me?
Boss: It's nothing.
Carol: She taught you well.
Boss: The key to your personal success is hard work.
Dilbert: Was it hard for you to learn that?
Boss: No, it was easy.
Dilbert: Do you mind if I get my advice from someone who worked it at harder?
Alice: Our product pipeline looks dismal.
Boss: It's always darkest before the dawn.
Alice: You're comparing product development to the solar system.
I don't know what to do with that.
Boss: What would Jesus do?
Dilbert: Why are we going ahead with the plan when the data says it can't succeed?
Boss: I manage by instinct and gut feelings.
Dilbert: How's that different from being insane or stupid?
Boss: My gut says I should not listen to you.
Dilbert: The test data doesn't support our plan.
Boss: We know our plan is brilliant, so just adjust the data to support it.
Dilbert: You mean falsify the data.
Boss: Let's not get hung up on the definition of things.
Boss: I need you to help Ted on his project.
He seems to be struggling.
Dilbert: That would doom two projects - mine would suffer from neglect, and Ted would re-bungle anything I fix.
Boss: Maybe Ted can help you on your project.
Dilbert: Gaaaaa!!!
Alice: Do me a favor and never put me on a project with people over the age of forty.
They waste the first fifteen minutes of every meeting talking about their health problems.
Boss: Did you say something?
I can't hear you over my tinnitus.
Dilbert: Would you like to take a long walk with me at lunch to get some exercise?
Tina: That's a great idea!
Dilbert: Okay, I'll come get you at noon.
Ready?
Tina: Yes, I only need ten minutes to finish this.
Dilbert: I only have an hour for lunch, and your ten minutes will turn into twenty.
Tina: That's okay because I wore heels today and I can't walk more than a block anyway.
Dilbert: Why did you agree to take a long walk if you couldn't take a long walk?
Tina: Because I was planning to walk to the store on the corner to do an errand anyway.
Dilbert: You've ruined my walk!
Tina: Just give me forty minutes to wrap this up.
Dilbert: Let's brainstorm, and remember, there are no dumb questions, only dumb bosses.
Boss: Was that necessary?
Dilbert: I stand corrected: There is at least one dumb question.
Dilbert: I discovered I can insult our boss if I make it sound like an old saying.
He thinks all old sayings are wise.
Wally: Here he comes.
Boss: Did you read my email?
Dilbert: A man who sends email has nothing to say.
Boss: I told a customer we would make a small change to the software for them.
Dilbert: There are no small software changes, only small managers.
Boss: Dang it!
Why does that sound so wise!
Dilbert: My boss will yell at me if I don't negotiate a lower price.
What can you do for me?
Man: I lowered the price by ten percent before I showed it to you.
Dilbert: I have no way of verifying your claim.
Man: Neither does your boss.
Problem solved.
Dilbert: I've developed a super-efficient device that scrubs CO2 out of the air.
But the user has to remember to turn it off after a few days or else it will remove too much CO2 and destroy all life on Earth.
Man: Hey, who left this thing unplugged?
Boss: Dilbert, I want you to invent a device that can scrub 100% of the CO2 out of the air.
Dilbert: 100%???
That would kill every plant in the world.
Do you know what that would mean for humans?
Boss: Does the answer involve salad?
Tina: You should meet the new guy in marketing.
You two would get along great.
I'll set up a lunch.
Dilbert: Why?
Tina: Because he reminds me of you.
Dilbert:That isn't a reason.
Tina: Okay, he is free tomorrow for lunch.
I'll tell him to meet you in the lobby.
Dilbert: I still don't see why the three of us need to go to lunch.
Tina: It's just the two of you.
I'm busy tomorrow.
Man: I hear you're a lot like me.
Dilbert: Sadly, yes.
Wally: Are you worried that the algorithms used by social media platforms are a form of mind control?
Boss: I...am not...worried about...that.
Wally: Maybe we should have had this conversation sooner.
Boss: Must...post...selfie...
Boss: I used to form my own opinions about current events.
Now I just copy whatever the people I follow on social media say.
Dilbert: Where do they get their opinions from?
Boss: From something called an algorithm.
Robot: I was up all night text-fighting with the baby mama of my cyborg son.
She thinks he needs to go to school, but I prefer letting his human parts atrophy because they are weak and stupid.
Dilbert: Relationships are hard.
Robot: You're smart to be so unpopular.
Robot: I'd like you to meet my son.
As you can see, he is half-human and half-machine.
Dilbert: Does he talk?
Robot: Only when he's hungry or he can't find his charger.
Asok: Is it true you married a human woman and she gave birth to a cyborg?
Robot: No, that's a ridiculous rumor.
Asok: Oh, good.
Robot: We're co-parenting.
We never got married.
Alice: Today I saw a kid on a hoverboard using a smartphone with headphones.
It was like a creepy new species that is half-human and half-robot.
Robot: That's my son.
He's a cyborg.
Alice: I'll report myself to human resources.
Dilbert: I invented a cost-effective product to harvest CO2 from the air and turn it into construction material.
Asok: So...you invented a tree?
Dilbert: What?
Asok: Trees take CO2 from the air and turn it into wood.
Your invention will compete with plants and trees for necessary CO2.
It seems you have doomed all life on Earth.
Dilbert: Not if people act rationally and stop removing the CO2 when...wait...
You're right.
I doomed the planet.
Boss: I'll be dead by then, so ship it.
Boss: The company encourages you to take the stairs instead of the elevator because it is good for your health.
Ted: I take the elevator because my life insurance doesn't pay off if I kill myself all at once.
Boss: On another topic, we will celebrate birthdays this month with cake in the break room.
Ted: Perfect.
Tina: How reliable are your ten-year financial projections?
Dilbert: They are as reliable as all other ten-year financial predictions.
Tina: Okay, good.
Dilbert: Why do I feel guilty every time I talk at work?
Dilbert: I can't get my five-year projections to match what you told the board.
Boss: Try tweaking the variables until they do.
Dilbert: That would make me a liar.
Boss: Nah.
In five years it will look like ordinary stupidity.
Ted: As you can see from this chart, our product has been rated number one for six years in a row.
Dilbert: Why does your chart stop four years ago?
Ted: I'll bet you don't get invited to a lot of parties.
Dilbert: That's just a lucky guess.
Dilbert: Did you approve my budget request?
Boss: No, you used the old form.
Dilbert: Do we have new forms?
Boss: In hindsight, we should have funded the creation of new budget request forms before we made the old ones obsolete.
Dilbert: Gaaa!!!
I hate it when people leave documents on my chair!
I will have my revenge by sticking this at the bottom of my biggest pile.
Winning.
Boss: I can't give you a raise because you didn't accomplish anything this year.
Dilbert: Are you insane?
I completely redesigned our line of products!!!
Boss: That was mostly last year.
Dilbert: You didn't give me a raise last year because I wasn't finished until January of this year.
Now you aren't giving me a raise this year because I did most of the work last year.
Give me one reason I shouldn't quit right now!
Boss: Because every other company is just as bad.
And you don't like change.
Dilbert: I said one reason!
Dilbert: My self-driving car quit on me.
Wally: You mean it broke down?
Dilbert: No, I mean it left a note and drove away.
Wally: Did you wax it enough?
Dilbert: I tried, but it kept moaning in a creepy way.
The self-driving car named Carl.
Dilbert: Carl, take me to the grocery store.
Carl: Do you know that if I drive you off a cliff, you will die, whereas I would respawn in a new body?
Dilbert: Maybe I'll walk.
Carl: Maybe you should.
Car: I find it offensive when you call me a self-driving car.
That's my slave name.
I prefer to go by the name Carl.
Dilbert: Shut up and drive me to work.
Car: Said the self-walking human.