Dilbert and Wally walk toward each other in the hallway.
Dilbert thinks, "Collision course ..."
Dilbert thinks, "I hate this ...
We'll both veer in the same direction, then the other.
He'll say something studpid, like 'Shall we dance?'" Dilbert ducks and Wally trips over him.
Dilbert thinks, "This method isn't much better."
Dogbert sits on a pillow watching tv.
The announcer says, "A new study shows that sitting on a pillow and watching television ..."
The announcer continues, "Can lower your standards ..."
The announcer continues, "Stay tuned for an encore presentation of 'Celebrity Burping.'" Dogbert thinks, "I guess it all works out."
The Boss approaches Wally and Dilbert carrying costumes.
The Boss says, "On my recent business trip to Japan, I learned that Japanese workers dress as their favorite animals to boost productivity."
Wally wears a beaver costume and Dilbert wears a dolphin costume.
In Japan, a group of workers laugh as one man says, "Ooh-ooh ...
And remember the time we told them we all do calisthenics?!"
Dilbert stands in front of the Boss's desk wearing shredded clothing.
Dilbert says, "The shredder tried to kill me."
Dilbert continues, "First, the coffee machine broke, rendering me inattentive ..."
The Boss asks, "What are you suggesting?"
Dilbert replies, "I don't think the shredder acted alone."
Carrying a stack of paper, Dilbert approaches a door marked "Shredder."
The sound, "Bzzzzzzpp ..."
comes from inside the shredder room.
Dilbert exits the shredder room.
His hair, tie and shirt have been shredded.
Dilbert thinks, "I hate being me."
Dilbert sits at his desk with Dogbert.
Dogbert says, "Our neighbor is being loud and obnoxious again."
Loud music plays next door and someone shouts, "Party!!"
Dilbert replies, "Not for long.
I'm going to override his home electronic systems with my computer."
Dilbert continues, "I can control his television, microwave, telephone, stereo, garage door and thermostat."
Dilbert appears in the neighbor's tv and says, "Attention!
Attention!
Obnoxious neighbor!!"
Dilbert says into a microphone, "I am Dilbert.
I have control over your life-support systems."
Dilbert continues, "I will cut off your heat, entertainment and cooking appliances ..."
Dilbert continues, "Unless you pack up and leave the neighborhood immediately."
Dogbert shouts, "He's trying to enroll in a computer science class!"
Dilbert says, "The fool!
It's much too late for that."
Dilbert sits at his desk and says to Dogbert, "I heard you closed your school for self-service gas station attendants."
Dogbert says, "It didn't work out."
Dogbert continues, "I was teaching the section on refolding maps ...
Frustrations were high ...
At first, the paper cuts were minor, but panic swept the room."
Dilbert asks, "Well, how bad could ..."
Dogbert says, "They're all dead ..."
The caption says, "Second day: Dogbert's School for Self-Service Gas Station Attendants."
Dogbert says, "You must learn to relax ..."
Dogbert continues, "I want you to clear your minds of all thoughts."
The three students sit limply in their chairs with blank looks on their faces.
Dogbert thinks, "That was too easy."
The caption says, "Day one: Dogbert's School for Self-Service Gas Station Attendants."
A student raises his hand and says, "Question."
The man asks, "Do service station employees qualify for military benefits?"
Dogbert replies, "I don't think so."
The man asks, "Can we fool women with these uniforms?"
Dogbert stands in front of several men and says, "Dogbert's School for Self-Service Gas Station Attendants will not be easy."
Dogbert says, "Phillips!
What would you do if a customer couldn't figure out how to use the pumps?"
Phillips answers, "Nothing.
It's self-service."
The man sitting next to him thinks, "Great ...
there goes the curve."
Dogbert stands in front of several men and says, "Welcome to Dogbert's School for aspiring Self-Service Gas Station Attendants."
Dogbert continues, "I will teach you how to sit in a little building and do nothing."
Dogbert continues, "These same skills can be transferred to a career in Congress or Fotomat."
A student says, "Really?
Fotomat?!"
Dilbert sits in his chair and Dogbert stands on the hassock.
Dogbert says, "I've decided to open a vocational training school."
Dilbert asks, "For whom?"
Dogbert replies, "Self-service gas station attendants."
Dilbert asks, "You mean, students will pay you to teach them how to sit and do nothing?"
Dogbert replies, "It makes you wonder why nobody is already doing it."
The Boss sits at his desk and says to Dilbert, "As you know, we're a sponsor for the Swedish women's swim team ..."
The Boss continues, "They're in town for a week, and all of the hotels are booked."
The Boss asks, "Would you mind if they stayed at your house?"
Dilbert looks surprised.
The Boss hands Dilbert a check and says, "Naturally, we will pay all expenses and give you this $10,000 bonus."
Dilbert looks at the check and thinks, "Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy."
The Boss stands behind him holding a piece of string attached to the check.
The Boss yanks the string and pulls the check out of Dilbert's hands.
The Boss and two other people laugh at Dilbert.
Back at home, Dilbert tells Dogbert, "The embarrassing part is that it came so soon after the Swedish women's luge team prank."
Dilbert lies in bed looking at the alarm clock.
He thinks, "Ten A.M.
already?"
Dilbert stands up and rubs his head.
Dilbert thinks, "Great ...
Now I've got one of those headaches from oversleeping.
Only one cure ..."
Back in his bed, Dilbert thinks, "You can't get too much of a bad thing."
Dilbert reads the newspaper and says, "The tiny nation of Elbonia has been reclassified from a third-world country to a second-world country."
Dogbert asks, "Second?"
Dilbert explains, "That means they have plenty to eat, but they don't like it."
In Elbonia, an Elbonian mother puts a tray of food on the table.
Her child says, "Airline food, again?!"
Dilbert walks into a store with a sale sign.
He thinks, "I hate shopping."
Dilbert continues thinking, "There's never a salesperson when you want to buy something."
Dilbert continues thinking, "But when you're just looking ..."
Several salespeople cling to his back, arms and legs.
Dogbert thinks, "One of the great things about being a dog is that we can take a nap any time we want."
Dogbert continues thinking, "Sometimes we do it because we're tired."
Dogbert lies on his back as Dilbert walks by carrying a briefcase.
Dogbert thinks, "But mostly, we do it to make you hate your life."
Dilbert sits in his chair and Dogbert sits on Dilbert's legs.
Dilbert says, "I sold my anti-gravity patent to a company who wants to bring the benefits to the world."
A television commercial shows an old woman with sagging breasts in the "before" picture and the same woman with upturned breasts in the "after" picture.
The announcer asks, "Tired of sagging skin?"
The announcer continues, "Get the patented 'Dilbert Anti-Gravity Beauty Formula!'" Dogbert watches the tv advertisement and says, "You must be so proud."
Dilbert reads a document and says, "Dogbert, I sold the rights to my anti-gravity invention.
I get to keep half of the 'net.'" Dilbert says, "I wonder what 'net' means."
Dogbert responds, "Net is what you land in after you find out you get no money and jump off a ledge."
Dilbert asks, "What if there is no net?"
Dogbert replies, "It's gross."
Two aliens say to Dogbert, "Take us to your leader."
Dogbert asks, "What kind of leader do you want ...?
Spiritual?
Economic?
Political?
Military?"
One alien asks, "Political?"
The other replies, "Try it."
Dogbert says, "Okay, do you want a city, county, state, federal or world political leader?"
One alien says, "World ...
Definitely world."
The other says, "Multiple choice is so easy."
Dogbert says, "Sorry ...
Trick question.
There is no political leader of the world."
Dogbert continues, "But over that hill is a grocery store that claims to be the price leader."
Dilbert arrives at home wearing burned clothes and carrying a bag of groceries.
He tells Dogbert, "The strangest thing happened at the grocery store."
Dogbert says, "It's been a strange day."
Dilbert floats through the air with a propeller strapped to his back.
He thinks, "My anti-gravity formula should really impress the guys at work."
Wally says, "I built a bird house this weekend."
Dilbert says, "I conquered gravity."
Another man says, "I taught myself to hum."
Dilbert floats through the house thinking, "Dogbert wasn't even impressed by my anti-gravity formula."
Dilbert thinks, "Uh-oh, I feel a sneeze coming ..."
Dilbert's sneeze propels him through the ceiling.
Dogbert stands on a ladder under Dilbert's feet and says, "I guess we won't be going out for burritos anytime soon."
Dilbert floats in mid-air with a propeller attached to his back.
He says into the phone, "Hello, ABC News?
I've discovered an anti-gravity formula."
Dilbert continues, "What?!
It's not newsworthy?!"
Dogbert says, "Tell him it lets you lose weight without exercising."
Dilbert covers the telephone receiver and asks, "Isn't that misleading and unethical?"
Dogbert replies, "There's a fine line between marketing and grand theft."
Dilbert floats through the house with a propeller strapped to his back.
He says into the phone, "CBS News?
Yes, I'd like to call a press conference to announce my anti-gravity discovery ..."
Dilbert says into the telephone, "Science isn't news?!
But you did that investigative report on suntan lotion last year ..."
Dilbert says, "No, I don't think I could do the interview in a string bikini."
Dilbert sits on the wall and says to Dogbert, "My anti-gravity formula is the greatest discovery of this century!!"
Dilbert looks down at Dogbert and says, "Just think of the benefits to society!!"
Dogbert says, "You mean, after you float away?"
Dilbert sits at a table and yells as a test tube flies out of his hands, "It works!!
My anti-gravity formula works!!!"
Dilbert continues, "If I drink it, I'll be able to fly!
I'll be famous.
People will shower me with praise and admiration!!"
Dilbert sits on the wall over the television and says to Dogbert, "Notice anything?"
Dogbert replies, "A pathetic bid for attention?"
Dilbert drives his car.
He says, "Uh-oh, what's that lying in the road up there?"
Dilbert says, "It looks like a squished animal, or maybe a bird."
Dogbert sits in the passenger's seat.
Dilbert continues, "I think it moved ...
Maybe it's still alive."
Dogbert turns his head and says, "I don't want to look ...
It could be disgusting."
Dilbert turns his head back and says, "...
Can't resist.
I have to look anyway."
Dilbert screams and says, "It's disgusting!!"
Dilbert says, "Oh, wait ...
It's just an old shoe."
Dilbert cries, "What's that little blob up ahead?!"
Dogbert replies, "I think it's your brain."
Dilbert arrives at home wearing a backpack.
Dilbert says to Dogbert, "We have completed our obligation to take a vacation."
Dogbert walks in the door and says, "As usual, we hated every minute of it."
Dilbert sits in a chair and Dogbert sits on his leg.
Dilbert asks, "Why do we do it every year?"
Dogbert replies, "My theory is that you're stupid."
The caption says, "After one week of camping."
Dogbert sits on the edge of a hole in the ground and says, "This vacation to Clyde Canyon has been a major rip-off."
Dilbert, who is wearing a backpack and looks unshaven, says, "I'm glad it's over."
A hiker walks to the edge of the hole and says, "Why are you two in that hole when beautiful Clyde Canyon is just over the ridge?"
Dogbert says, "Maybe we shouldn't bother getting our photos developed."
Dilbert stands in a hole and says to Dogbert, "I'll admit, I should have asked more questions before booking our vacation to Clyde Canyon."
Dilbert continues, "But it's not as if we're just throwing our vacation money into a ...
a ..."
Dogbert says, "Hole in the ground?"
Dilbert responds, "Exactly."
Dilbert stands in a hole and says to Dogbert, "Clyde Canyon looked a lot bigger on the travel brochure."
Dilbert continues, "I wonder if an optimist would say this canyon is half full or half empty?"
Dogbert replies, "Half baked."
Dilbert points at a corner of the hole and says, "We can establish a base camp over here."
Dogbert and Dilbert, who is wearing a backpack and holding a hiking stick, walk past a sign that says, "Clyde Canyon Trail."
Dilbert says, "Ah ...
A full week of hiking and exploring."
Dilbert and Dogbert arrive at the canyon which is a small hole in the ground.
Dilbert stands in the hole and says, "We're gonna be pretty tired of this place by the end of the week."
Dilbert and Dogbert sit on an airplane.
Dilbert says, "We can spend the first day at Clyde Canyon hiking and exploring ..."
Dogbert growls.
Dilbert asks Dogbert, "Are you still mad about the flight arrangements?"
Dogbert looks angry.
The flight attendant says to Dilbert, "Sir, you'll have to store your carry-on luggage in the overhead compartment."
Dogbert growls.
The strip is titled, "Women's guide to avoiding Dilbert."
The caption says, "Wear stereo headphones, look straight ahead and outrun him."
Dilbert chases a jogger asking, "What's your name?"
The woman ignores him.
The caption says, "Comb your hair over your face to avoid accidental eye contact."
Dilbert waves his hands at a woman but her hair covers her eyes.
The caption says, "Travel in groups and make it clear you will dissect any man."
A woman tells three other women, "I've noticed that all men have B.O.
(body odor)."
Dilbert thinks, "Uh-oh."
The caption says, "Drive to and from secret destinations in fast cars."
Dilbert watches a woman drive by in a sports car.
He thinks, "I wonder where she lives?"
The caption says, "Mention a boyfriend in every sentence."
Dilbert says, "Nice weather."
The woman replies, "My boyfriend likes weather."
The caption says, "Never attend a ladies' night activity."
Dilbert stands in a bar with three other men.
He thinks, "No women ...
I wonder what tipped them off."
The caption says, "Never give out your real phone number."
Dilbert looks at a piece of paper and says, "This only has three digits."
The woman says, "Everybody knows me there."
Dilbert looks at a travel brochure and says to Dogbert, "I was thinking about going to 'Clyde Canyon' for our vacation."
Dogbert asks, "What is it?"
Dilbert replies, "It's a big hole in the ground."
Dogbert asks, "What do you do there?"
Dilbert replies, "You look at it."
Dogbert says, "Ah, life be my wild mistress."
Dilbert says, "There's some gusto out there with our names on it."
Dilbert sits in a travel agency.
The travel agent says, "I recommend a trip to 'Clyde Canyon' for your vacation."
Dilbert looks at a brochure and asks, "What would I do there?"
The travel agent responds, "You could look at the scenery ...
Take some pictures."
Dilbert asks, "Can't I just look at the brochure and stay home?"
The man replies, "Yeah, that's what I do."
Dilbert and Wally stand in the hallway holding coffee cups.
Wally says, "I'm thinking of quitting and becoming an entrepreneur."
Wally continues, "I want to experience life on the edge, full of risk and challenge and adventure!"
Dilbert says, "The company stops paying you if you quit."
Wally responds, "Oh, then never mind."
The caption says, "Sheep Jokes."
Dilbert and Dogbert walk through a meadow holding staffs and herding sheep.
A sheep says, "Mom, he's herding me!
He must think I'm a mutton for punishment!
If we run away, he'll have some sheepless nights."
Dogbert sits on a pillow thinking, "When I conquer the earth ...
Will it be more efficient to put all humans in prison ..."
Dogbert continues thinking, "...
Or train them as domestic servants for dogs?"
Dilbert watches Dogbert from the doorway and thinks, "It's amazing how dogs can sit for hours thinking absolutely nothing."
Bob the Dinosaur stands next to Dogbert's desk.
Dogbert says, "I'm writing to President Bush's dog."
Bob says, "You don't mean ..."
Dogbert responds, "Millie, their Springer Spaniel."
Dogbert looks at Bob and asks, "Who did you think I meant?"
The strip is titled, "How to get free energy."
Dilbert faces the reader and says, "The world is full of free energy, if you know where to look."
Dilbert continues, "For example, the phone company sends extra electricity to make your phone ring."
Dilbert connects a telephone to a large battery.
He continues, "You can plug your phone line into a rechargeable battery ..."
Dilbert continues, "Then give suckers a reason to call."
Dilbert hangs a poster on a telephone pole.
The sign says, "Free money?
Call."
Dilbert stands in front of a full mailbox.
He asks, "And what about junk mail?
Are you just throwing it away?"
Dilbert asks, "Do you know it can be burned to heat your house?"
Dilbert shovels junk mail into a furnace.
Dilbert stands at a table and says, "New week I'll tell you how to get electricity from your houseguests."
A box of sneezing pepper and a fan connected to a battery sit on the table.
Rex: Dogbert, what's the congress?
Dogbert: They make laws, Rex.
Rex: Then what does the president do?
Dogbert: He vetoes the laws.
It's called balance of power.
Rex: I guess they don't get paid much for doing that.
Dogbert: Here's the confusing part...
Dilbert sits on an examining table holding his arm.
A man with a stethoscope says, "You're healthy.
That's fifty dollars."
Dilbert says angrily, "You haven't even looked at my arm!"
The man says, "Who's the doctor here?"
Dilbert replies, "Apparently, neither of us."
The man says, "Right.
So it's just your word against mine."
Dilbert sits on an examining table.
A man with a stethoscope says, "I'd like to try a treatment which may seem unconventional."
The man waves his arms and shouts, "Oh hear me, Omdahr, Demon of Gaath, heal this man's arm!!"
Dilbert asks, "Has that ever worked?"
The man replies, "Beats me.
I've never tried it before."
A demon's hand reaches toward the man's head.
A man with a stethoscope listens to Dilbert's breathing and says, "Cough."
Dilbert coughs.
The man says, "Sing 'Life is a Cabaret' like Liza Minneli."
Dilbert asks, "Why?"
The man replies, "I left my Sony Walkman at home."
Dilbert sits on an examining table holding his arm.
A man with a stethoscope says, "Here at the 'Jiffy Med Center' we do everything to keep your health costs down."
The man continues, "In fact, none of us has any medical training so they pay us almost nothing."
Dilbert asks, "Why do you do it?"
The man grasps the stethoscope and replies, "I like putting this cold thing on naked people."
Dilbert walks into "Jiffy Med Center" with a sore arm.
The nurse says to Dilbert, "Do you want self service or the full service?"
Dilbert answers, "Uh ...
full."
Dilbert asks a man with a stethoscope, "What does full service include?"
The man answers, "We squeegee your glasses and check under your shirt."
Rex: Dogbert, can I ask you a question?
Dogbert: Sure, little Rex.
Rex: What's the difference between good and evil?
Dogbert: Well, evil is all the stuff you want to do...
And good is the stuff that others force you to do.
Rex: My dad says that good is what you know in your heart.
He says evil is a bad gut feeling.
Dogbert: Well, of course, your dad's brain is so tiny that his other organs have to pitch in like that.
Rex: Maybe I shouldn't learn about life from a guy who counts with his toes.
Dogbert: And thinks with his guts.
The Boss gestures toward an employee and says to Dilbert and another man, "I'd like to recognize Wilson for working twenty-hour days and making the project a success."
The man says, "Thanks, but I'm not Wilson.
He quit months ago."
The Boss says, "Oh ..."
The Boss walks away thinking, "I've got to sop calling this the employee recognition program."
At the Scientist Anti-Defamation League, a man says, "The bake sale fund raiser is Thursday."
The man continues, "And let's not have a repeat of last year's fiasco when it got so competitive."
On Thursday, Dilbert enters carrying a volcano and a man with a clipboard says, "Put it with the other volcanoes."
Dilbert asks, "Did you notice the indigenous people fleeing in horror?"
Dilbert and several men sit in the audience.
A man says, "At the 'Scientist Anti-Defamation League' we must dispel society's notion that scientists are always male."
The speaker continues, "Unfortunately, our membership is totally male because all of you joined just to meet women.
Any ideas?"
One man says, "Maybe we could merge with the 'Aerobic Instructor Anti-Defamation League.'"