Dogbert sits at a conference table with the Boss and three other managers.
Dogbert says, "Your stock was $30 per share when I offered to buy the company, but thanks to some timely leaks to the media your value has plunged."
Dogbert continues, "However, if you sell right now I'll pay the full $30 for your stock."
The Boss says, "I recommend we do it."
A manager hands the signed contract back to Dogbert and says, "Done.
$30 per share is more than fair."
Dogbert replies, "Yeah, 'per share' would have been fair.
Anybody want a copy?"
The Boss looks shocked.
Dogbert introduces the Grim Reaper to the Boss.
Dogbert says, "My consultant will audit your company to make sure there are no surprises before I buy it."
The Boss looks shocked.
Dogbert sits on the edge of the desk while the Grim Reaper looks through a stack of documents.
Dogbert says to the Boss, "I use him because he's seen such hideous things that nothing scares him."
The Grim Reaper looks at a document and says, "Erk."
The Grim Reaper throws documents into the air and shouts, "AAAAAEEII!!
OOOUWAA WAA!!"
Dogbert says to the Boss, "That's not the sound you want from your auditor."
Dilbert sits at a conference table with the Boss and Dogbert.
Dogbert says, "I promise that if I decide to buy your company I'll gladly recommend a position for each of you."
Wally, who is also sitting at the table, asks, "Really?
You'd make sure we all got jobs?"
Dogbert answers, "No, but I'll recommend a 'position.'" Dilbert and the Boss look shocked.
Tina asks Dilbert, "Did you review my draft documentation yet?"
Dilbert sits at his desk and replies, "Uh ...
I'll get to it soon."
Tina says, "That's what you've been saying since July!!"
Tina continues, "I know I'm only a lowly technical writer and you're a big important engineer ..."
Tina screams, "But is it too much to ask for you to glance at the fruits of my labor?!!!"
Tina grabs Dilbert's tie and yells, "Five lousy mintues is all it would take to validate my value on this planet!
Read it, you fetid pile of compost!!"
Dilbert opens a binder and says, "Okay, okay!
I'll read it right now!"
Dilbert says, "These pages are blank!
You've been bluffing for months!"
Tina looks nervous.
Tina says, "I think I'll go have a yummy compost salad with delicious fetid cheese."
Dilbert says, "I'm going to look up those words."
The Boss and a woman walk by Dilbert's cubicle holding folders.
Leaning back in his chair to look out of the cubicle, Dilbert thinks, "Uh-Oh ...
the managers are going to another closed-door meeting."
Dilbert thinks, "It must be about pay cuts or layoffs.
I'm doomed.
I'd better work on my resume NOW."
He pulls nervously at his tie, his hair stands on end and beads of sweat fly from his forehead.
The Boss sits around a conference table with three other managers.
Reading from a document, he says, "Okay, so far our 'leadership vision' says 'we inspire employees to action.' Does anybody have upgrades?"
Another man responds, "Nah."
The Boss sits at his desk and Dilbert sits across from him.
The Boss tells Dilbert, "Your performance this year was good, but you worked on tasks that aren't important.
Therefore you get a tiny raise."
Dilbert looks angry as he replies, "I worked on the tasks YOU assigned.
What's that say about YOUR performance?"
The Boss replies, "It's excellent.
I get a bonus for keeping salaries low."
Dilbert asks, "Have you seen any literature on workplace violence?"
Dilbert, Wally, Alice, the Boss and another worker sit around a conference table.
The Boss says, "From now on, the managers at my level will be called 'thought leaders.'" Dilbert and Wally stare at him in amazement.
Dilbert asks Wally, "What's wrong with this picture?"
The Boss's thoughts are shown to be empty.
The Boss peers into Dilbert's cubicle and asks, "Are you working twice as fast since I doubled your staff?"
Dilbert sits at his desk with Barry.
He answers, "I've coded twelve modules ...
Barry is on a journey of discovery where he will find out my mouse is not a microphone."
Speaking into the mouse, Barry says, "Hello!
Anybody!"
Back in his office, the Boss sits in front of the computer contemplating his mouse.
He says, "That would explain why nobody ever comments on my announcements over the P.A.
system."
Dilbert sits at his desk and turns around as the Boss enters.
The Boss says, "We need to finish your program twice as fast, so I'm adding a person to help you."
The Boss says as he leaves Dilbert's cubicle, "You might need to train him a little before he's productive."
Dilbert waves his arms as he thinks, "Warning!
Warning!
Dr.
Smith."
Dilbert sits at his desk with the new co-worker, a small man with big ears and a disheveled shirt collar.
Pointing at the monitor, he asks Dilbert, "Tell me again what the big glowing thing is."
The Boss enters Dilbert's cubicle and asks, "Can you explain why you're a week behind schedule?"
Dilbert turns to face the Boss and says, "Your poor leadership has drained me of the enthusiasm that is necessary to succeed.
But it's not completely YOUR fault."
Dilbert continues, "Frankly, your parents have to accept some responsibility for creating you."
The Boss asks, "Even if they were drunk?"
Dilbert sits on the couch reading a magazine with his feet on the coffee table.
Dogbert and Ratbert stand on the table.
Dogbert says, "We're going downtown to play 'security guards in space.'" Dilbert says, "I don't want to know."
Dogbert and Ratbert walk down the sidewalk pulling a lunch box shaped like a space rocket.
Ratbert says, "Let's try that building."
The security guard says to Dogbert, "I'll need to see your I.D.
badge, sir."
Dogbert shows him something and says, "Look fast!!
There it is!!
Not a pack of matches!!"
The security guard says, "Okay."
The guard says, "I'll have to search your lunch box."
The guard looks inside the rocket and says, "It's just a bunch of wires and gizmos."
Dogbert says, "You're making me SO hungry."
Dogbert asks, "Could you watch my lunch while I take the cart back to my car?"
The guard sits on the rocket.
Dogbert tells Ratbert, "I feel bad, but it's the only way to test if space travel is safe for us animals."
Ratbert says, "I feel safer already "
The Boss hands Dilbert a sheet of paper and says, "From now on, salaries will be based on your predicted success, not your past performance."
While Dilbert reads the report, the Boss says, "We ran a computer model against your education and DNA information.
We predict you'll die in a stapler mishap within a week."
Dilbert asks, "What if I disagree with this prediction?"
The Boss points at Dilbert and says, "Write up your opinion and staple it to the analysis."
The Boss holds a syringe.
He says to Dilbert, "Drop your trousers and turn around.
I need a DNA sample."
Dilbert bends over looking angry.
As draws Dilbert's blood, the Boss says, "We're scanning for any fatal genetic problems that could hurt productivity."
Dilbert sits at his desk.
The Boss enters holding the test results and says, "Uh ...
we decided to move your project deadline up a week."
Dilbert's hair stands up straight.
Alice, Wally, Dilbert and the Boss sit around a conference table.
The Boss says, "We're announcing two new programs for employees."
The Boss continues, "The first is a new dignity enhancement program and the second is our new random drug testing initiative."
Alice says to Wally, "The clue meter is reading zero."
The Boss reaches toward them holding a coffee mug and says, "You each get a handsome coffee mug as part of the kick-off."
Dilbert and Wally sit at a table eating lunch.
Alice walks over and says, "Why is it that I never have time to eat but you MEN are in here every day at 11:35?"
Wally replies, "Because the hours we spent upgrading our PCs have finally paid off by greatly improving our efficiency."
After Alice has left the table, Dilbert says to Wally, "I thought it was because we get hungry at 11:30?"
Wally replies, "We can't reveal all our secrets."
The Boss hands a check to Ted while Wally, Dilbert and Alice watch.
The Boss says, "And Ted gets this 'Singular Achievement' award for creating the 'We Are Teams' campaign."
The Boss continues, "It's a check for a thousand dollars!
Let's all give Ted a hand."
Ted walks by holding the check and Wally, Alice and Dilbert look angry.
As Wally, Alice and Dilbert hit and slap Ted the Boss thinks, "These things never work the way you want them to."
The Boss, Dilbert and another worker sit at a conference table.
The worker says, "I'm happy to report that the 'Excellence in Teaming' read-out is nearly ready."
The worker continues, "It's taken forty people from a dozen departments to complete the study.
We finally got complete buy-in."
Dilbert asks, "Is that the study of why we can't make decisions?"
The worker responds, "Originally.
But it evolved into more of a discussion of squirrel migration patterns."
Dilbert and Dogbert sit on a couch.
Dilbert's mom hands him a plate and says, "Here's some nice chocolate cake for you and Dogbert."
Dilbert says, "Thank, Mom."
Dogbert also says, "Thanks, Mom."
Dilbert's mother says, "Tell me all about your job at the railroad."
Dilbert replies, "It's not a railroad.
I'm an engineer at a big corporation."
Dilbert's mom asks, "Do you fix the typewriters when they break?"
Dilbert replies, "No ...
Today I debugged a TCP/IP driver for an application that runs over ISDN with bonding."
Dilbert's mom asks, "You mean, all you do is slap a BRI analyzer on a circuit and look for bad packets?"
Dilbert says, "Well ...
Yeah.
But it's really hard."
Dilbert and Dogbert walk outdoors.
Dilbert says, "I was doing okay until she offered to pay my tuition to typewriter repair school."
Dogbert says, "You shouldn't have compared her cake to packing foam."
The Boss sits at his desk and Alice sits across from him.
The Boss says, "I've replaced the old rating system with a friendlier method.
Now I compare each of you to an animal with similar traits."
The Boss pushes a document toward Alice and says, "I rated you 'Tyrannosaurus Rex.'" Alice looks excited and says, "T.
Rex - the mightiest dinosaur!!"
The Boss says, "Think in terms of brain size."
Alice tells Wally and Dilbert, "I'm terrified about my performance review tomorrow."
Alice continues, "Men have it easier.
You've been conditioned by years of rejection and general disdain."
Wally responds, "We're lucky that way."
The Boss sits at his desk and reads a document to a male worker sitting across from him.
The Boss says, "Overall, I rated your performance as 'simian.'" The worker responds, "Thanks!"
The Boss stands behind Alice's desk and says, "Alice, I'm almost done with your performance appraisal."
Alice looks horrified and gasps.
Alice turns her chair to face the Boss and says, "I haven't had an appraisal in four years.
You must be starting a documentation trail so you can fire me later."
Alice types wildly and yells, "I'LL WORK 24 HOURS A DAY!!"
The Boss thinks, "That was way more motivational than I'd hoped."
The Boss, Dilbert and Wally sit at a conference table.
The Boss says, "We've been having a problem with black-outs.
The office lights are controlled by motion detectors."
A man stands next to the Boss flapping his arms.
The Boss continues, "I hired a temp to walk around and flap his arms so the lights won't go off."
Dilbert and Wally watch the temp flap his arms.
Dilbert says, "Another Journalism major enters the workforce."
Wally says, "It seems like a waste.
Maybe he could fan us."
Dilbert asks Dogbert who sits on the armrest of the couch, "Dogbert, I need your help dealing with a pathological liar at work."
Dogbert says, "You're in luck.
I happen to have a Ph.D.
in Liatology from the Massachusetts Institute of Technology."
Dilbert crosses his arms and says defiantly, "I'd love to see your diploma."
Dogbert replies, "I'll mail it to you."
A co-worker says to Dilbert, "Reliable sources say your project will be canceled, Dilbert."
The co-worker continues, "You should abandon it now and come work on MY project.
When my big promotion goes through next month, I'll transfer you to my group and give you a raise."
Dilbert says, "That's very tempting except for the fact you're a pathological liar."
The co-worker waves his hands and says, "Be careful what you say - I have super powers."
The panel is titled, "Boss Types."
Dogbert holds a pointer and says, "Find your boss on this handy reference."
The caption says, "Hostage taker: Traps you in your cubicle and talks your ears off."
A man stands in the doorway saying, "Blah blah."
A man at a desk says, "Ow!!"
as his ears fall off.
The caption says, "Fraud: Uses vigorous head nodding to simulate comprehension."
Dilbert says, "Then we'll subnet our IP addresses."
The man next to him nods his head and says, "Oh yeah.
Oh yeah."
The caption says, "Motivational Liar: Has no clue what you do but says you're the best."
A man says, "Nobody can do what you do!!"
The woman thinks, "Except a mushroom."
The caption says, "Over Promoted: Tries to mask incompetence with poor communication."
Three people sit at a conference table.
A man says, "Let's qualitize our paradigm so we don't over inundate with datums."
The caption says, "Weasel: Takes credit for your hard work."
A man holding a bag of money tells a woman, "This bonus is for brilliantly forcing your staff to work 80 hour weeks."
The woman replies, "It wasn't easy!"
The caption says, "Moses: Perpetually waits for clear signals from above."
The Boss, Wally and Dilbert sit at a conference table.
The Boss says, "Don't do anything important yet."
Wally replies, "Never have."
The caption says, "Perfect Boss: Dies of natural causes on a Thursday afternoon."
Alice looks at a dead body and asks, "Should we do something?"
Wally yells, "Three day weekend!"
The caption reads, "Bad news."
The Boss sits at his desk saying, "We're not giving any raises."
The captions reads, "Making it worse."
The Boss says, "But we think work is its own reward."
The caption reads, "Making it MUCH worse."
The Boss says, "Expect to get rewarded about twice as much next year."
The caption reads, "The problem ..."
Dilbert enters looking frazzled and says to the Boss, "We're so under-staffed that the project is six weeks behind schedule."
The caption reads, "The analysis ..."
The Boss looks pensive and thinks, "I can't add people ...
I can't change the due date ...
I can't ignore it."
The caption reads, "The result ..."
Dilbert says to Wally and Alice, "He wants daily status reports until the situation improves."
All three look overworked and disheveled.
Alice walks in carrying a briefcase and sees Wally and Dilbert drinking coffee.
Alice says, "I was so late I had to put on my makeup in the car."
Dilbert says, "Yeah, I had to shave in the car."
Wally says, "That's nothing.
I was so late that I had to give myself a sponge bath in the car."
Alice looks shocked and asks, "Aren't you the driver for your carpool?"
Wally responds, "You've never heard such whining."
Dilbert peers over the cubicle wall and says, "Wally, you just sent me the same e-mail you sent last week."
Wally says, "I'm rerunning the 'Best of Wally' while I'm on in-cube sabbatical."
Dilbert asks, "How long is your sabbatical?"
Wally replies, "Six months so far, and you're the first to notice."
The Boss, Wally, Dilbert, Alice and another worker sit at a conference table.
The Boss holds a document and says, "You should all follow Wally's example of how he quantifies his contribution to revenue."
Wally explains, "Basically, I assumed my project would fail without me.
Therefore all the revenue it generates can be attributed to me."
The other worker asks, "Aren't we all on the same project?"
Wally answers, "Yes, but evidently we're not all equally valuable."
The Boss hands Dilbert a document and says, "I'm asking everybody to quantify their contributions to revenue.
Your pay will depend on it."
The Boss continues, "I realize this is hard to quantify because you're designing future products but ...
" Dilbert writes a figure on the paper and says, "Here you go."
The Boss reads what Dilbert wrote and says, "A billion dollars?
It's as if you cynically believe we can't track these numbers."
Dilbert replies, "That crossed my mind."
Dilbert sits at his desk.
The Boss says, "I'm putting you on the strategic planning team."
The Boss continues, "It's like work but without the satisfaction of accomplishing anything."
Dilbert and three co-workers sit at a conference table.
A man says, "You're new, so let me explain how this works."
The man continues, "We have meetings and talk about the company's strategy in vague emotional terms."
The man continues, "In time, we convince ourselves that we're more than mediocre thinkers who sit around complaining."
The man continues, "We start believing our opinions will steer the company.
We feel important.
We feel ALIVE!!"
A woman tells Dilbert, "Then we snap out of it and make viewgraphs that say we should keep doing what we're doing."
Dilbert says, "I like making viewgraphs."
The woman replies, "Actually, we use last year's viewgraph."
The Boss, Wally, Dilbert and Alice sit around a conference table.
The Boss says, "I'd like each of you to give me a current resume."
Waving his hands, the Boss continues, "Now, don't be alarmed.
It's just so the new VP can get to know you.
It's not an obvious prelude to massive staff cuts."
Wally, Dilbert and Alice immediately hand resumes to the Boss who asks, "Should I be worried that you all have a current resume on you?"
Wally answers, "Don't worry.
It's not an obvious prelude to massive disloyalty!"
Alice shows the Boss a document and says angrily, "When you consider the hours I work, I make less per hour than the janitor!"
The janitor enters carrying a plunger with a small animal sticking out of it.
He says to the Boss, "Look what was blocking the pipes!
It took me all morning to plunge the rascal out."
Alice and the Boss look surprised.
Still looking shocked, Alice says, "I love my job."
The Boss says, "I'm giving him a raise."
Dilbert sits at his desk at home.
He is naked.
He types in his daily log, "On my forth day of telecommuting I realize that clothes are totally unnecessary."
Dilbert strokes his unshaven face and thinks, "Hey!"
The log reads, "Suddenly I am struck by a question: why don't monkeys grow beards?"
The log reads, "I call a meeting to discuss the issue but attendance is low."
Dilbert sits at a conference table with Ratbert.
Dilbert reads from a document, "Issue one: monkey beards."
Ratbert says, "Let's go around the table and introduce ourselves."
The caption, an entry from Dilbert's daily log, reads, "Day three of telecommuting: I spend the morning throwing my pen in the air."
Dilbert sits at his desk at home dressed in a bathrobe and looking unshaven.
He tosses a pen into the air.
The pen falls and hits Dilbert in the head, causing him to lose his balance and fall off the chair.
The caption reads, "The afternoon is spent in silent appreciation of how much better this is than being in the office."
Dilbert lies on the floor with his feet on the desk chair and thinks, "Ahh."
Dilbert sits at his computer at home, dressed in a bathrobe and looking unshaven.
He types, "Day two of telecommuting is going smoothly.
I have eliminated all optional habits of hygiene."
Dilbert continues typing, "My co-workers are a fading memory.
I am losing language skills.
I talk to my computer and expect answers."
Dilbert types, "For reasons that are unclear, my dog wears a gas mask and shouts tarzan-like phrases."
Dogbert stands behind Dilbert wearing a gas mask and yelling, "Kreegah!
Bundalo!"
Dogbert sits at Dilbert's desk at home.
Dilbert stands in front of the desk holding a cup of coffee and dressed in a bathrobe.
Dilbert says, "I have an ethical question about telecommuting, Dogbert."
Dilbert continues, "Do I owe my employer eight productive hours, or do I only need to match the two productive hours I would have in the office?"
Dilbert and Dogbert sit on the desk chair together.
Dogbert answers, "Well, when you factor in how you're saving the planet by not driving, you only owe one hour."
Dilbert adds, "And this meeting counts."
Dogbert points to a sign that says, "Dogbert explains leadership."
Dogbert points to a man who is wearing an untucked shirt and staring blankly ahead.
Dogbert says, "Leaders start their careers as morons."
The caption says, "They are drawn to meetings like moths to a porch light.
The moron walks toward a conference room.
Dogbert points to a diagram of a human body.
He says, "The successful moron will have a very high bladder-to-brain ratio."
The caption says, "They prevail in all decisions because they are impervious to logic or coffee."
Dilbert sits at a conference table with the moron and another man.
The moron says, "Let's do it my way!"
The other man says, "Okay!"
The caption says, "These qualities are perceived as leadership."
The moron pours coffee on himself.
The Boss tells the moron, "You're promoted!"
The caption says, "After several promotions their job tends to match their talents."
The moron tells Dilbert, "I award you this award."
Dogbert says, "Conclusion: leadership is nature's way of removing morons from the productive flow."
The Boss stands in front of Dilbert who is seated at his desk.
The Boss hands Dilbert a document and says, "I ranked all of your assignments by priority so you won't waste time on unimportant stuff."
Dilbert reads the document and says, "Everything is an 'A' priority except for 'Personal life.'" Dilbert says, "this helps a lot."
The Boss says, "I'm still working on the list of 'Must do' 'B' priorities."
Alice stands in front of the Boss's desk dressed in a shirt, tie and pants.
She says to the Boss, "I'm dressing like a man to protest the company's dress code."
The Boss asks, "So, what you're saying is that you're actually a woman.
Is that your claim?"
Alice says, "That's not exactly the point."
The Boss says, "I saw 'The Crying Game.' Don't do anything that would make me heave."
Alice is dressed in a shirt, tie and pants.
Alice says to Dilbert and Wally, "I'm protesting the company's dress code.
I refuse to dress like a woman."
Alice clenches her fist and continues forcefully, "High heels and pantyhose are designed to make women look like helpless little ornaments for the pleasure of male viewers!"
Wally says, "I've never had pleasure viewing you.
I swear."
Alice says, "Thank you for your support."
Dilbert and Wally sit at a conference table.
Both of them look like they have been burned in a fire.
Dilbert says, "My status report is a bit light this week because I'm having an e-mail flame war with Wally."
Dilbert continues angrily, "Wally refuses to admit my technical superiority or his simian ancestry.
It is my obligation to set him straight."
Wally shakes his fist at Dilbert and shouts, "NEVER!!"
Dilbert says, "I'm thinking this somehow elevates my rank in the herd and improves my mating possibilities."
Wally says, "We're victims of hormones."
Dilbert types, "Your ignorance seems to have no limit.
Your opinions are idiotic."
Dilbert continues typing, "Your personal hygiene leaves much to be desired.
Your family is ugly."
He enters, "Send e-mail."
Peering over the cubicle wall, Wally says to Dilbert, "You're mighty brave in cyberspace, Flame-boy."
Dilbert replies, "Step inside."
The Boss carries a laptop in a case.
He says to Wally, "This laptop computer weighs too much.
Do we have anything lighter?"
Wally asks, "Why don't you just delete files to lower the weight on that one?"
As he works on the laptop the Boss says, "That's a thought."
Wally says, "Technically, I only asked why not."
Dilbert sits at his desk.
Dogbert says, "I'll be down at the lake, pushing people in."
Dilbert says, "You need a new hobby, Dogbert."
Dogbert replies, "It's a SPORT!"
Dilbert stands on the lakeshore behind a man holding a fishing pole.
Dogbert asks, "Having any luck today?"
The man replies, "Yeah, I got me a pretty one.
You should have seen it flopping around.
Beautiful!"
Dogbert says, "Beautiful??
Are you saying there's beauty in causing a lower form of life to suffer?"
The man holds a fish and says, "Only if it's a big one."
Dogbert asks, "How much do you weigh?"
The man replies, "Oh, about 210 pounds, I reckon."
Dogbert has pushed the man into the water.
Dogbert asks, "Would you mind flopping around some more?"
A fish swims near the fisherman and says, "It's beautiful."
A new worker says to Dilbert and Wally, "I've only worked here one day but I thought of a great idea."
The Boss runs in with a fire hose and soaks the new employee with a stream of water.
Dilbert says to the drenched worker, "The first idea is always the toughest."
Wally adds, "The urge eventually goes away."
The Boss says to Dilbert, "We've been asked to reduce our budget.
I'm going to offer to cut your project because it's the most critical."
The Boss continues, "The finance guys won't dare cut that project.
My ploy will spare us from any cuts at all."
Dilbert says, "Excuse me while I panic."
The Boss says, "Tell me again what your project is about.
They might ask."
The Boss sits at a conference table with Wally and Dilbert.
The Boss says, "Maybe we could form a vision statement of our concepts for requirements."
Wally says, "Or maybe we can bound our strawman by the mission-critical functions of our quality vector!"
As they walk away, Dilbert says to Wally, "You're shameless."
Wally responds, "There's a fine line between participation and mockery."
Dilbert sits at his desk clenching his fist.
He thinks, "I hate being team leader.
It's so stressful."
Dilbert continues thinking, "I have reponsibility but no authority.
I feel like I'm an animal in some warped behavioral study."
He hears a "Ding" coming from behind him.
Dilbert turns his chair around and reaches for a dispenser on the wall with a sign above it that says, "Take pellet."
He thinks, "On the plus side, the pellets are excellent."
Dilbert stands in front of the Boss who is seated at his desk.
Dilbert asks, "As team leader, I think I should get some perks so people know my status."
The Boss replies, "I'll have your cubicle walls sprayed with a special thickening agent.
It might look the same, but trust me, people will know how thick you are."
Dilbert peers over his cubicle wall into Wally's cubicle and says, "I'm just like you, Wally, but thicker."
Wally says, "I've noticed."