Dilbert says to The Boss, "A customer keeps asking when we'll deliver the stuff they bought."
The Boss asks, "When will we?"
Dilbert responds, "Never, you lied to them to get their business."
Dilbert continues, "You took their money and gave them nothing.
Do you know what that makes you?"
The Boss exclaims, "The winner!"
Dilbert is meeting with a client.
The client says, "My company is moving to a 'Just in Time' inventory strategy.
You'll deliver when we need it."
Dilbert responds, "So..
your success depends on my company doing what it promises?
You have my deepest sympathy."
The client points to his own chest and says, "I feel a sharp, stabbing pain in my chest."
Dilbert replies, "And so it begins."
The Boss addresses a meeting, "Wally has been researching Greek words to name our new product."
Wally says, "All I have is Zeus.
And Parthenon.
And the word 'Greek' itself."
Wally continues, "I understand they have a word for sports even too.
I'm trying to track that down."
The Boss stops Wally and Dilbert in the hallway and asks, "Why isn't my cell phone working?"
Dilbert responds, "That's a short-range cell phone.
You need to be in the same room with the person you call."
The Boss, Asok, and Alice are sitting.
The Boss has his phone up to his ear.
He thinks, "Answer the stinkin' phone, Alice."
Asok asks, "Why are listening to a TV remote control?"
The Boss approaches Carol and asks, "Carol, where's my ten o'clock?"
Carol responds, "He said he'd be late because you're a moron and he doesn't respect you."
The Boss' appointment comes in and asks Carol, "Did you tell him I was stuck in traffic?"
Carol responds, "It's not always about you."
Dilbert is sitting on the couch at home.
Dogbert hands him a pamphlet and says, "Would you like to buy some life insurance?"
Dilbert reads the pamphlet, "Exclusions: Self-inflicted wounds, pre-existing illness, criminal acts, war, dangerous sports, smoking..."
Headline: Much later that day.
Dilbert is still reading, "...And pistol duels resulting from quilting bees."
Dogbert replies, "No one reads it, freak!"
Dilbert is working with a device.
He says to Dogbert, "I call my invention the 'Eargarette.'" Dilbert puts it behind his ear and says, "It's a cigarette for your ear!"
Dilbert continues, "It allows non-smokers to take smoking breaks."
Dogbert asks, "Is there any downside?"
Dilbert responds, "What?"
Dogbert says, "Never mind."
Dilbert is in a meeting with The Boss and Wally.
Dilbert says, "We've been working for fifteen minutes straight.
I need an eargarette break."
Dilbert and Wally are standing outside.
Both have eargarettes in their ears.
Dilbert asks, "What?"
Wally replies, "What?"
Dilbert asks again, "What?"
Back in the meeting, Dilbert offers Wally, "Ear mint?"
Wally replies, "Two, please."
The reporter says to Wally, "Your story is perfect for 'Loser Magazine.'" The reporter continues, "It makes me wish I'd written it down because I'm already forgetting...Oops, it's gone."
The reporter concludes, "I'll just make up something that sounds good.
And I'll use photos of a model.
Thanks, Willy."
Wally thinks, "I'm famous!"
The reporter approaches Wally and says, "Wally, I'd like to interview you for 'Loser Magazine.'" Wally responds, "Okay."
The reporter asks, "Do you have a pen?"
Wally says, "Wow.
These are easy questions."
The reporter says, "I mean, may I borrow your pen?"
Wally responds, "No, you look like a chewer."
Carol enters Wally's cubicle and says, "A man from 'Loser Magazine' wants to see you."
Carol continues, "He said something about featuring you on the cover."
Wally replies, "Send him over."
Carol looks out and says, "I tried, but he keeps going into the break room and napping."
Wally responds, "I hate show-offs."
Wally says to Dilbert, "I've decided to add chronic lateness to my repertoire."
Wally continues, "I'll start with the classic excuses: car problems, traffic, and misplaced items.
Then I'll branch out."
Dilbert says, "You're the mayor of Loserville."
Wally replies, "Don't jinx it."
The Boss addresses a meeting, "Our facilities management says the new statue by the front entrance isn't a statue."
The Boss continues, "It's an unlucky guy named Karl who had been warned many times not to feed the birds."
The Boss continues, "Then it talks about statistical clustering..
blah, blah, blah..
and serving an example."
Dilbert says to The Boss, "You don't respond to my e-mail anymore."
The Boss replies, "When I reply to e-mail, it attracts more e-mail.
I'm trying to break the vicious cycle."
Dilbert says, "Well..
I'll leave you voice-mails."
The Boss answers, "Let me know how that works out for you."
Dogbert is sitting at a computer.
He says into a telephone headset, "This is Dogbert's Tech Support.
How may I abuse you?"
The customer on the other end of the line responds, "Finally!!
It took me an hour to penetrate your inscrutable audio menu system!"
The customer continues, "Then I waited in queue for forty minutes!"
The customer says, "My problem is that my computer keeps freezing..."
Dogbert's voice interrupts him, "Not so fast."
Dogbert says, "I need to know your name, address, phone number, operating system, e-mail address, serial numbers, software versions and video drivers."
The customer clenches his teeth and shakes his fist as Dogbert's voice continues, "Then I'll put you in queue for the low-level technician who can only tell you to reboot."
Dogbert continues, "He'll ask you the same questions for reasons that will baffle you."
The customer asks, "But eventually you'll solve my problem, right?"
Dogbert's voice replies, "Sure, if your problem is too much optimism."
Dilbert, Wally, and Alice approach The Boss.
Dilbert says, "We demand that you fire our toxic co-worker."
Wally turns to Dilbert and asks, "You aren't talking about me, are you?"
Dilbert turns and says, "No, you're lazy and ineffectual with an overlay of selfish."
Wally asks, "And I hate the toxic guy?"
Headline: The Toxic Co-worker.
Toxic Tom approaches Alice and says, "You wouldn't believe what people are saying about you."
Toxic Tom continues, "I tried to defend you.
I said you look slow only because you're bloated."
Toxic Tom continues, "But what ticks me off is that everyone in the department earns more than you do."
Alice clenches her teeth and holds back her fist.
The Boss introduces a new employee to Dilbert, "Dilbert, meet your new co- worker, Toxic Tom."
The Boss continues, "He complained about his last job all through his interview.
But he'll be happy here."
Once The Boss is gone, Toxic Tom says to Dilbert, "He says he thinks you're stupid because you ask too many questions."
The Boss asks a salesman, "How often would you charge us this 'annual fee?'" The salesman replies, "Is that a joke?"
Alice responds, "Sadly, no."
The salesman says to The Boss, "Once a month."
The Boss replies, "Sounds fair."
Dilbert approaches a receptionist and says, "I have an appointment to see a demo of your new product."
The salesman holds up a box and says to Dilbert, "And the unit will be in a case like this, but completely different, and it will have software, once we write it."
Dilbert holds the box and says, "You let me travel four hours to see an empty case?"
The salesman replies, "Are you forgetting the blank CD?"
The Boss says to Wally, "I have an assignment for you that has no value whatsoever to the company."
The Boss continues, "For reasons of company politics, I need to pretend I'm doing something in that area."
Wally approaches Dilbert and says, "So, you're doing actual work.
What's that all about?"
The Boss approaches Carol and says, "Carol, come to my strategy meeting."
The Boss continues, "You're only a secretary, but I value your input."
Carol exclaims, "I'm an administrative assistant!!!"
As they're walking to the meeting, Carol thinks, "Chimp."
The Boss thinks, "Bad secretary."
The Boss addresses the meeting, "Does anyone have any strategic ideas for global domination?"
Carol responds, "The engineers keep using our coffee filters as popcorn bags.
That has to stop."
Alice stands and yells, "If you ordered enough filters, I would need to use the foot of my pantyhose to make coffee every day!"
As they're walking out of the meeting, Wally says to Dilbert, "I'm adding that to the list of things I don't want to think about."
The Boss points to a slide and says, "We'll save money by outsourcing our I.T.
function."
The Boss continues, "Then we'll save more money by replacing our outsourcing with full-time employees!"
Wally responds, "When it's time for us to panic, will there be a warning sound, or was that it?"
Dilbert is meeting with a salesman.
Dilbert asks, "Do you have any customer references I could call?"
The salesman hands him a piece of paper and says, "Right here."
Dilbert calls the number, "Beep, beep, boop, beep."
The salesman's cell phone rings.
The salesman's cell phone continues to ring.
Dilbert says, "No answer."
The salesman replies, "Try again when I'm in the parking lot."
Dilbert, Alice, and Wally are eating lunch.
Wally says, "My fantasy is to own a luxury motor coach."
Wally continues, "I'd drive it to work and sleep all day in the parking lot.
It would be like paradise."
Dilbert responds, "That's your best fantasy?"
Wally says, "It would also have a TV, in case I woke up."
An interviewee says to The Boss, "If you hire me, I'll work a hundred hours a week and never ask for a raise!"
The interviewee continues, "I went to school at a top-secret facility for super geniuses; that's why it's not on my resume."
The Boss says to Catbert, "And I'm sure it's all true because he says he's honest!"
Catbert replies, "Apparently it doesn't take one to know one."
Headline: Catbert: Evil H.R.
Catbert addresses a meeting, "From now on, the company will allow flex time."
Catbert continues, "You can work any hours you like, as long as you're here from eight to five."
Dilbert turns and says, "That's called unpaid overtime."
Catbert replies, "And you need to be flexible to do that yourself, right?"
Dilbert is in a meeting.
His coworker's cell phone rings.
The coworker says, "Excuse me while I take this call."
Dilbert replies, "Okay."
Just as the coworker is about the answer his phone, Dilbert says, "Excuse me while I hate your inconsiderate guts."
The coworker turns away annoyed and says into his phone, "No, nothing important."
Dilbert continues, "Excuse me while I imagine crushing your head."
Dilbert enters Wally's cubicle and asks, "Do you want to watch a numbing?"
Wally responds, "You know I do!"
Dilbert and Wally are walking.
Wally asks, "Where is it?"
Dilbert responds, "Cubicle 15950."
Alice comes out of her cubicle and asks, "Are you going to the numbing?"
Wally responds, "You know we are!"
Wally, Alice, and Dilbert approach Asok.
Asok asks, "What is a numbing?"
Wally responds, "It's the moment that an employee's brain numbs to the pain of working here."
Wally says, "It's actually quite beautiful."
Dilbert adds, "No two are alike."
A coworker sits at his computer.
He exclaims, "I can't take this anymore!!
Gaa!!
Gaa!!"
He pauses and then says, "Ooh."
He takes another pause and then asks, "What the...?"
The coworker is stiff with his arms out.
Wally, Alice, Dilbert, and Asok watch from over the cubicle wall.
Asok looks horrified.
Dilbert says, "It's okay - he's in a happy place now."
The Boss addresses a meeting, "The good news is that half of you will get huge raises."
The Boss continues, "The bad news is that half of you will be downsized tomorrow."
Dilbert turns and says, "Is it the same people?"
The Boss replies, "Yeah, we ran the numbers."
The Boss addresses a meeting, "From now on, I want you to stagger your lunch so someone is always here."
Asok exclaims, "Gaaa!
As the lowest person in the pecking order, I will never know in advance when I can eat."
Asok yells, "It is the end of errands as I know them!!"
The Boss turns and says, "Sheesh, take a pill."
Headline: Evil H.R.
Director.
Catbert sits at his desk.
The phone rings and Catbert thinks, "Evil."
Catbert says into the telephone, "I'm sorry, I can't give references for ex- employees."
Catbert continues, "But if I did, it would rhyme with 'mazy loron.'"
Headline: Evil H.R.
Director.
Catbert says to an interviewee, "I need to check a few things before we hire you."
Catbert continues, "Give me blood, hair and urine samples, fingerprints, social- security number, past employers, and past lovers."
The Boss and Catbert are meeting.
The Boss is looking over the interviewee's records.
The Boss asks, "Before we started doing all of this checking, did you know that everyone in the world was despicable?"
Catbert replies, "Yes."
Wally and Dilbert are at the coffee machine.
Wally says, "I heard you had a cold."
Dilbert responds, "It wasn't a cold."
Dilbert continues, "I was addicted to prescription drugs and I grew an exoskeleton.
I've been in rehab and surgery for six months."
Wally responds, "Just to be clear: Can I catch any of that by touching the coffeemaker after you?"
Dilbert is lying on a therapist's couch in an exoskeleton.
He says, "My medication makes me happy despite my exoskeleton, bad job, and social life."
Dilbert continues, "If chemicals can change the way I think and what I enjoy, then free will must be an illusion."
The therapist asks, "What about your soul?"
Dilbert responds, "I'm an engineer."
Dilbert points to a slide and says, "My new design will meet all of our customers' current and future needs."
The Boss is sitting with two board members, one male and one female.
The male board member says, "That's no good; they'll never need to upgrade."
Dilbert responds, "Please don't ask me to put flaws in my design."
The Boss says, "Flaws could work."
The male board member says, "We need flaws."
The female board member says, "Flaws, flaws, flaws."
Dilbert grabs his tie in fear and says, "Please....
No....."
The Boss says, "Make it freeze every hour."
The male board member says, "The interface needs to be more confounding."
The female board member raises her finger and says, "And..."
Headline: Later.
Dilbert is on the floor begging, "Please...
No more."
A voice from the meeting continues, "...
And crippling electric shocks."
Headline: Much, much later.
The Boss says, "The help screen could recommend marrying an unemployed, shirtless guy with a mullet."
The male board member responds, "That's marketing!"
Dilbert is at a party; he has an exoskeleton.
He's holding a drink and talking to a woman.
Dilbert says, "My medication makes me carefree and happy, but the side effect is an exoskeleton."
Dilbert continues, "Remember the old saying - 'Beauty is only skin deep.'" He giggles, "Hee hee."
Dilbert continues, "But enough about me.
I don't want to look shellfish."
The woman responds, "You had a chance until the pun."
Dilbert is lying on the couch in his bathrobe.
He says to Dogbert, "The prescription drugs make me happy, but I worry that it's not genuine happiness."
Dogbert responds, "Ask your doctor for a drug that cures worrying.
Then you'll have it all."
The doctor hands Dilbert some pills and says, "It might make you grow an exoskeleton, but you won't care."
Dilbert responds, "Cool."
Dilbert points to a slide, "My project is in a flaming death spiral, thanks to you lazy, selfish weasels."
Dilbert continues, "But I'm feeling terrific because I'm taking mood-altering prescription drugs!"
Dilbert continues, "I can see by your expressions that my doctor is much better than yours!"
He points fingers from both hands and exclaims, "Hoo-wah!"
Dilbert says to The Boss, "I'm taking a mood-altering prescription drug to treat a skin rash."
Dilbert continues, "I still itch, but I don't care.
In fact, I don't even think you're a huge, stinkin' weasel."
Dilbert points to The Boss with both hands and exclaims, "I love you!
You da man!"
The Boss replies, "Remind me to cancel your health benefits."
Dilbert is at the pharmacy.
The pharmacist looks at his prescription and says, "I can't read your doctor's handwriting."
The pharmacist holds up drugs and says, "I'll give you this mood-altering drug to make you happy."
Dilbert replies, "I have a skin rash!"
The pharmacist replies, "And it's making you unhappy, right?"
Dilbert is sitting on the doctor's table.
The doctor says, "It's a mild rash.
I'll scribble and indecipherable prescription for you."
Dilbert looks at the prescription and says, "What if your bad handwriting causes the pharmacy to give me harmful medication?"
The doctor replies, "That's a little thing I call marketing."
Dilbert is meeting with Tina.
He reads a piece of paper and says, "Your budget is wrong.
You forgot maintenance."
Tina exclaims, "Why do you engineers always think you're right?!"
Dilbert reaches for a device and says, "I anticipated your reaction and I came prepared."
Dilbert holds the device in front of Tina's face and says, "Here's a list of every disagreement we've had."
Dilbert taps on the device and says, "And here are the audio clips of the outcomes in your own voice."
The device plays back a recording of Tina's voice, "You're right, Dilbert..
You're right...
I guess you're right..
I'm wrong..
You're right...
You're right."
Tina reaches out her hand and says, "Let me see that for a second."
Tina jumps on top of the table and smashes the device into pieces.
She exhales, "Oo!
Oo!
Oo!"
Dilbert thinks, "To an engineer, everyone looks like a chimp."
The Boss introduces a new employee to Dilbert, "We saved money by hiring a guy who's had many personal problems."
The Boss continues, "But we're sure he was just unlucky.
No one would invite that many problems into his life."
The new employee's cell phone rings.
The new employee says into his cell phone, "Yes, of course your ex-boyfriend can stay with us until the choppers leave and he sobers up."
A female coworker asks Dilbert, "Would it be okay if I asked your mindless replica for a date?"
The coworker continues, "I'm full of uninteresting stories and I need a guy who's a good listener."
The coworker and the Visibuddy are at dinner.
The coworker says, "Now I'll describe the clothing of each person at the cat show."
The Visibuddy hits himself in the head with a fork, "Thunk!"
Dilbert and his Visibuddy are both sitting at one computer.
The Boss approaches and says, "Your visibility has been excellent lately.
What's your secret?"
Dilbert turns and responds, "I created a mindless replica to attend meetings.
He has no personality whatsoever."
The Boss exclaims, "Wow!
You look totally real."
The Visibuddy responds, " Hee hee!
Burn, dude."
Dilbert fastens the head atop a robot of himself.
He says to Dilbert, "I call my invention the 'Visibuddy.'" Dilbert continues, "It's a mindless replica that can attend meeting and increase my visibility."
The Visibuddy, The Boss, and Dilbert are in a meeting.
The Visibuddy asks The Boss, "Am I working hard or hardly working?
Do you golf?"
The Boss thinks, "Nice guy."
Dilbert is sitting at his computer.
The Boss approaches and says, "In response to your continuous harping about not having enough funding.."
The Boss is joined by another man.
The Boss continues, "I hired an expensive consultant to analyze your budget."
The consultant says to Dilbert, "I'll have to run some chaos and complexity simulations, but it looks as if you need more money."
Wally says to Dilbert, "I'm bailing out of your project; it has the scent of failure."
As Wally walks away, he adds, "I will attach myself to a more successful host to ensure my survival."
Dilbert is lying on a therapist's couch.
He says, "Do you have a pill for someone who gets rejected by Wally?"
The therapist replies, "A loser pill?"
The Boss calls after Dilbert, "Dilbert, come here for a minute."
The Boss and Dilbert are walking towards The Boss' desk.
The Boss says, "I need to talk to you about..."
He is interrupted by the ringing telephone.
The Boss is on the telephone.
He holds up his finger at Dilbert.
Dilbert thinks, "He's giving me the 'wait' signal."
Dilbert continues to think, "I have nothing to look at, nothing to fiddle with, nothing to do."
Dilbert continues to think, "I'll try thinking about how my mind controls my muscles."
Dilbert's arms start shaking.
He thinks, "Uh-oh...
I'm getting too conscious of my muscles and it's freaking me out."
Dilbert falls back and exclaims, "Gaaa!!!
I've lost my mind-body connection!!"
Dilbert is on the floor with his feet up in the air.
The Boss says into the phone, "The problem with my engineers is that they don't idle well."
Dilbert is meeting with a salesman.
The salesman says, "For only a million dollars, you can upgrade to our newest software version."
The salesman continues, "Or you can slowly decompose in the miasma of our planned obsolescence."
Dilbert says, "We can't afford to upgrade now."
The salesman holds up a device and replies, "Say goodbye to the digits three and nine."
Dilbert says to The Boss, "We need to upgrade our PC operating systems, so we have a stable environment for applications."
Dilbert continues, "Think of it as a form of taxation by an evil shadow government."
The Boss responds, "Shadow government?
That's ridiculous."
The Boss' computer says, "Shut up and pay me."