"Thanks to my outside income, I didn't feel any pressure to work this week."
"So I spent my time drawing pictures of you in funny positions."
"I might be losing my firm grip on things."
"Not according to this picture."
Financial Advisor
Man: You've made a lot of money as a demotivational speaker.
I recommend allocating 2% of it to me, and 98% to things that sound good if you don't look into them too closely.
How about a managed stock fund with high churn and a big front-end load?
Wally: Sounds good.
Wally's keynote speech "The source of all unhappiness is other people."
"The sooner you learn to think of other people as noisy furniture, the sooner you will be happy."
"That's the stupidest advice I've ever heard!"
"Hey, it's a talking ottoman!
Hee-hee!"
Dogbert's speakers bureau "I booked you to do the keynote speech for a big company."
"They need a speaker who is so boring and uninspiring that their CEO's humorous skit seems less soul-crushing."
"How large is the audience?"
"1,500 victims."
"Every company needs goals."
GOALS "We have division goals, department goals, district goals, personal goals and affiliate goals."
"You will all attend a four-hour training session on how to write goals."
"Every week you will report on how you are doing compared to your goals."
"Those reports will be entered into a giant database."
"Won't the size and complexity of the database make it impossible to know what's really happening?"
"Yes.
That's why your raises will be based on what you look like."
"Bummer for you."
Dogbert's speakers bureau "What topic would you be speaking about?"
"I would speak about the folly of trying to satisfy other people's unreasonable expectations."
"Would you show up on time?"
"No.
I doubt I would even prepare a speech."
"I disappoint people, but I'm learning to enjoy it."
"The key to happiness is to love who you are, not who others want you to be."
"Doesn't that make you a sociopath?"
"Yeah.
I love that about me."
"Wally, did you finish the detailed analysis?"
"No, I'm more of a big picture kind of guy."
"Why didn't you tell me that a week ago when I asked?"
"I don't like to disappoint people."
"What the @#$% do you think I am now?!"
"Hey, I think I'm starting to like disappointing people!"
"Wally, too many people are asking me for things.
How can I set priorities?"
"Wait until everyone is yelling at you and then help whoever makes the scariest threat on any given day."
"Is that what you do?"
"No, I tell people to go ask you."
"I spent this entire week unscrewing the problems created by your ambiguous communication."
"Next week I hope to unscrew the problems created by your hiring of morons."
"Moving on, I've made some changes to the budget."
"There goes April."
Have you signed Ted's get well card yet?
"Don't leave that here.
Ted passed away two weeks ago.
How long have you had the card on your desk?"
"Have you signed Ted's get well card yet?"
"Put it on the pile."
Wally: "May I see the vacation schedule?"
Carol: "Why do you want it?"
Wally: "No reason."
"Well, Ted, I hope you're enjoying your vacation."
The Boss: "Wally, do you have the cost estimates?"
Wally: "I'm waiting for Ted's input.
He's on vacation."
The Boss: "How about the revised time-line?"
Wally: "I'm waiting for Ted."
"Do you need any office supplies?
I'm going to the store."
Dilbert: "Maybe some pens."
TED
Wally: "Limited selection but excellent prices."
Dilbert: "Thanks."
Wally: "So, I understand you have a vacation next week."
Catbert: "Alice, you've been accused of punching a crazy co-worker."
Alice: "In my defense, it did make her less crazy."
Catbert: "I know.
Here's a list of additional crazy employees I'd like you to punch."
Tina: Dilbert totally flipped out when I showed him the cost estimates.
Alice: "Really?
Or is this one of those cases where someone acts normally and you inexplicably tell the world that they totally flipped out?"
Tina: "Whoa!
Don't flip out."
Alice: "I wonder if I can punch her sane."
Dilbert: Do your estimates include tax and shipping?
Tina: Relax, relax, calm down."
"There's no need to go all nuts about the tax and shipping.
It's under control.
Take a deep breath."
Dilbert: Um...All I asked was..."
"
Tina: Gaaa!
You're totally losing it now!"
Wally: They found asbestos in our ceiling.
We're all in danger.
Asok: "I must use my telekinesis to remove the asbestos."
"GAAA!"
The threat has been neutralized.
You must never ask me how it was done."
Wally: I'm not even curious."
The Boss: The employees are getting all whiney about the asbestos in the ceiling."
"I told them it wasn't dangerous, but apparently I'm not credible in this HazMat suit."
"I don't think it's fair that they judge me by my clothes."
The Boss: The facilities people tell me there's asbestos in the ceiling.
They say you don't need to worry about it unless it gets disturbed.
They plan to disturb it today.
The Boss: You'll be in charge of this project.
Dilbert: What's my budget?"
The Boss: I'll need to approve all expenses.
Dilbert: Who will report to me?
The Boss: Your team will report to me and I'll tell them what to do.
Dilbert: I'll start on the project plan.
The Boss: Um...
Skip that part.
I already have a plan in my head.
Dilbert: Hypothetically, who would take the blame if this project failed?
Well, you're in charge...
The boss: Someone left a dead horse in the hall.
I am going to punch that dead horse until it gallops away.
punch punch punch punch
Dilbert: You were right.
But where did you find a dead horse?
Alice: Theres a store for everything.
Dogbert: Thanks to my P.R.
campaign, your stock price is grossly over-inflated."
"Now you can use your stock to buy companies that actually make money."
"After you manage those companies into the toilet, give me a jingle."
Tina: I hope you don't expect me to write a favorable article about your company just because you bought me drinks.
Dogbert: No, I expect you to publish my press release and act like you wrote it.
Tina: You can work or you can get drunk , but the pay is exactly the same.
Dogbert does public relations "You can't get free publicity simply by doing something better."
"You have to do something in a way that has never been done."
"It's a Sir Richard Branson sort of thing.
You wouldn't understand."
Dogbert does public relations "Our products are made by asthmatic dwarves.
You should do a story on that."
"Not enough?
Okay, what if the dwarves are also polygamous serial killers?"
"When you talk to the reporter, try to slouch, wheeze, and act henpicked to the point of homicide."
The Boss:: I hired the Dogbert public relations firm to get us some free publicity.
Dogbert: I've already told the media that your products are deadly and we're voluntarily recalling everything.
The Boss: But...they aren't deadly.
Dogbert: Hey, I don't tell you how to be fat.
wally: snork
Catbert: Evil Director of Human Resources
Catbert: The new company health plan is Google.
From now on, employees must use Google to diagnose their own illnesses.
For example, this guy has a growth on his neck.
Guy: I do?
Catbert: A quick search on my Blackberry tells me it's...
Guy: What is it?!!
Catbert: Ooh.
Wow.
A pregnant termite crawled into your mouth and built a hive in your esophagus.
Guy: GAAA!!!"
"Stop being a baby.
The treatment for that is...
Catbert: Do you have an arc welder and a barrel of kerosene?"
The Boss: Alice, I have some good ideas about your project."
Alice: GAAA!
Why me?"
Alice: Why must I suffer your ideas?
Why, why, why?!
The Boss: You're not a good listener.
Alice: SHOOT ME!
SHOOT ME!
SHOOT ME!"
The boss: Who needs a little management help on their project?
"You could almost feel the teamwork in the air."
Wally: How's your project coming along?
Dilbert: It's a streaming pile of failure.
Dilbert: It's like fifteen drunken monkeys with a jigsaw puzzle."
The Boss: How's your project coming along?"
Dilbert: Fine.
Catbert: Evil Director of Human Resources
Catbert: Employee Appreciation Day is next Tuesday.
The cover charge is $25 apiece.
wally: How do we know you won't buy cheap hot dogs and pocket the rest of our money?
Catbert: Every day it gets harder to appreciate you."
gulp gulp gulp
Dilbert: He was violating my personal space and his head got stuck in my ear."
"You need a huge yawn to open the ear canal so he can get out."
Tina: Yes, I do have lots of pictures of my porcelain frog collection.
Why do you ask?"
Then I said...
Dilbert: He is totally violating my personal space with his non-standard facial hair."
"HA!
HA!
HA!
HA!"
Gaaa!!!
His warm, moist breath is all over me!"
"Please stop touching my brain with your nose."
Alice: Our travel budget is shot.
The Boss: We'll take money out of the training budget.
Dilbert: We need training to support our new product.
The Boss: We'll use the software budget for training.
Asok: We need to do a mandatory software upgrade.
Fine.
Move some money from teh travel budget to the software budget.
The Boss: Geez, you people do nothing but complain.
Meanwhile I'm managing my brains out.
Alice: I wondered what happened to them.
The boss: Happened to what?
The Boss: I'm concerned that you might be low-balling your goals for the coming year.
For example, this one says you will 'decompose in your chair'.
That sounds easy.
Dilbert: Not really.
Half of the time I'm in a different chair."
Asok: I wrote out my goals for the coming year.
I set them higher than I can achieve because our boss said it's good to have stretch goals.
Alice: Well, more for us."
The Boss: Wally, what are your goals for the coming year?
Wally: My goal is to replace my soul with coffee and become immortal.
The boss: I mean something about work.
Wally: Oh, I thought you said MY goals."
Dilbert: You said to tell you if marketing wasn't cooperating.
The Boss: You can't come running to me with every little problem.
Go fix it.
Dilbert: Then why did you tell me to tell you?!
The boss: It's just something I say.
The Boss: Congratulations on 20 years of service.
Here's a pen with the company's logo.
"I have one just like it.
At least I think this one is mine.
I might have gotten them mixed up."
"Which one looks like it spent the least time in my ear?"
Dilbert: Do you mind if I apply for the opening in R&D?
The Boss: Hey, I just applied for the manager job there?
Dilbert: Um...maybe I'll wait.
The Boss: To make sure I'll be your boss?"
Dilbert: Ooo-kay...
The Boss: This must be what bonding feels like."
Dogbert: I'd like to kick off the project by assigning blame for its eventual failure.
Dilbert: Shouldn't we do that after the project is over?
Dogbert: I see no reason to wait.
Dilbert: Well...okay.
Our boss will make us use the wrong vendor.
Wally won't do any work.
Alice will alienate the client, and Ted is generally worthless.
Dilbert: In summary, my excellent work will be rendered moot by nincompoops.
Asok: Do you even work here?
Dogbert: No, I was just in the neighborhood.
Dilbert: There's a job opening for an engineer in research and development!"
"It's a chance to escape the mismanaged futility of my current job and live the dream!"
The Boss: Hey, there's an opening for a new manager of research and development!"
The Boss: Why did you add this button to the user interface?
Dilbert: You told me to.
The boss: Why would I tell you that?
Dilbert: You always suggest random changes to create the illusion of adding value.
The Boss: Well, remove that button.
Dilbert: It's only on your copy."
Dilbert: My day will start out great if I can make it to my cubicle without human contact.
"AAYI-YI-YI-YI!"
The Boss: I hope that was the sound of teamwork."
The Boss: Our new philosophy is 'a bias for action'.
Dilbert: Are we eliminating our Six-Sigma program, the budget cycle, ISO certification, and our approval processes?
The Boss: Can I get back to you on that?
Dilbert: Sure.
No rush.
Dogbert: I analyzed the DNA of all of your applicants to find the best fit for the job.
The most qualified applicant who is willing to work for you has three ears, a snout, and a life expectancy of Thursday."
The Boss: Dilbert, meet the new guy.
And do it quickly."
cough cough
Dogbert Consults
Dogbert: Your problem is that you have too many losers on the payroll.
Luckily I have developed a fool-proof DNA test for identifying losers.
Well, I'm afraid your DNA doesn't match mine, loser.
Ned: I enjoyed meeting your staff.
Keep up the good work.
Dilbert: This isn't my staff.
I report to the guy who reports to you."
Ned: Really?
Which one of you reports to me?"
Well, that explains why you keep hanging around outside my office.
The Boss: I've been going to your office for years, waiting for you to get off the phone so I could talk to you.
Ned: I've been making fake phone calls for years, hoping the weirdo outside my office would go away."
Keep up the good work."
The Boss: Asok, your assignment is to buy a display case for our awards.
Then go to the store and buy a bunch of awards because we don't have any.
Asok: The next one is for 'Best Unethical Filling of an Awards Showcase.
The Boss: Can you come to a meeting right now?
Dilbert: No, it's almost lunch time.
If I miss lunch, my day will be 12 hours of uninterrupted misery.
I will envy the dead.
The Boss: That's stupid.
The dead don't eat lunch either.
ALIEN: I came from a distant planet to bring you advanced technology, but no one here will listen!"
"I am a superior being, you moron!
Listen to what I tell you and then do it!"
THE BOSS: I fired him before he started yammering about Linux."
Catbert: Easy come, easy go."
I came to this company to bring the technology of my advanced culture to you simpletons.
"Has anyone ever told you that your snout is like the handle of a gavel?"
"A what?"
"How's the new guy working out?"
"ORDER IN THE COURT!"
BAM BAM BAM