Coworker says, "I thought of your idea a year ago and rejected it for being impractical."
Dilbert says, "Did you just take credit for my idea and diss it at the same time?"
Coworker says, "Thanks for noticing."
The Boss says, "He also cleverly implied that you're a moron."
Coworker says, "It feels good to be appreciated!"
Dilbert: So...
you emailed our CEO and asked for funds to build a social network for our global supply chain.
Dilbert: No one wants that, But it sounds good, so he moved all of our project funding to your dumb idea.
and...you will produce nothing,
Wally: said the engineer with no budget.
The Boss says, "I can't sign off on this plan.
It's too expensive."
Man says, "You heard me say that doing nothing will end up costing you twice as much, right?"
The Boss says, "Yes."
Man says, "And you understand that this is your only alternative?"
The Boss says, "I have another meeting.
Maybe Dilbert can explain it to you."
Dilbert says, "Um...
okay.
I'll try."
Dilbert says, "My boss doesn't understand that costs should be compared to alternatives."
Dilbert says, "Oh."
Dilbert says, "Teamwork means you can't pick the side that's right."
Wally says, "I can't help you because I'm busy working on a social network strategy for our global supply chain."
Man says, "That sounds like something that no one wants and no one needs."
Wally says, "That's probably why it's taking so long."
Dogbert says, "You competitors are faster because they have meetings where everyone has to stand up."
Dogbert says, "We'll top that by having meetings where everyone does jumping jacks while I pelt them with office supplies."
Asok says, "It's working!"
Dilbert: why do you keep closing the blinds?
Mordac: Screen glare?
GAAAA!!!
Dilbert: Screen glare.
Alice: don't care.
Dilbert says, "I need you to be open-minded about this idea."
The Boss says, "Oh, really?"
The Boss says, "That's the sort of thing people say before they describe the worst idea in the history of the world."
Dilbert says, "My idea is to not give me a raise."
The Boss says, "I'm hating you a little extra."
Wally says, "I considered getting an earring to make myself more fascinating."
Wally says, "But I spend a lot of time sleeping in my chair, so I need my head to be center balanced."
Dilbert says, "You don't have normal problems."
Wally says, "I almost died getting my hair cut."
Wally says, "What happened to you?"
Dilbert says, "I went to a technology trade show."
Dilbert says, "The event was so huge that it made me feel small.
But it's just an illusion."
Wally says, "For an illusion, you make a great cup holder."
Dilbert says, "Dude.
Not cool."
The Boss says, "You need to be more proactive."
Dilbert says, "I can only appear to be proactive if you stop telling me to do things I've already planned."
The Boss says, "How am I supposed to know what you plan to do every minute?"
Dilbert says, "I could send you an e-mail every time I have a thought."
The Boss says, "I don't have time for that!"
Dilbert says, "Apparently your bad time management is creating the illusion that I'm not proactive."
Dilbert says, "I'll take the liberty of signing you up for a time management class."
The Boss says, "Don't do that!"
Dilbert says, "So...I should not be proactive?"
The Boss says, "Just do what I want before I know I want it."
Dilbert says, "I hope the next thing you want is sarcasm."
At the trade show
Woman says, "Are you actually interested in this product or are you just trying to chat me up?"
Dilbert says, "The show is too big to see everything, so I use a mammary filter to decide who I talk to."
Woman says, "You use a what?"
Dilbert says, "Do you have any free stuff or job offers?"
Alice says, "I see you have your giant-sized barf bag.
You must be going to the consumer electronics show."
Dilbert says, "Yup."
Dilbert says, "Every time I see a new product that is cooler than anything we're working on, I'll go to the bag."
Man says, "And it only weight one ounce!"
FOOMP!!!
At the show
The Boss says, "Ted, there's an app for you."
Cellphone says, "Waa-waa!
Don't fire me!"
The Boss says, "How awesome is that?"
Wally sys, "Should I continue to manage issues?"
Wally says, "Or should I align organizational activities with stakeholder expectations?"
The Boss says, "Which answer would cause you to do real work?"
Wally says, "What is this, a farm?"
The Boss says, "The government is nagging us to get rid of our dangerous radioactive waste."
The Boss says, "On a totally different topic, I'm giving each of you a motivational paperweight that says, 'Nice going.'" The Boss says, "Try to avoid licking them."
The Boss says, "Our consultant will tell us how we can secure a long-term supply of rare earth metals for our products."
The Boss says, "China has the most of the rare earth metals.
Try dying.
And reincarnating.
There's a 20% chance that you'll be born Chinese."
The Boss says, "What's plan B?"
Dogbert says, "If the only part that goes wrong is the Chinese part, you can try dying again."
The Boss says, "Build a new server to replace the one with the corrupt operating system."
Dilbert says, "That's what I'm doing right now."
The Boss says, "Recover the data from the bad server and put it on the new one."
Dilbert says, "That's the whole point."
The Boss says, "Then see if you can reinstall the operating system on the old one and redeploy it."
Dilbert says, "Do you have any instructions that are not blindingly obvious?"
The Boss says, "This is called managing.
The alternative is chaos."
Dilbert says, "How did you just make chaos sound like a good thing?"
The Boss says, "You should test the new server."
Dilbert says, "Seriously, can we try the chaos thing?"
Man says, "The contract that you ignorantly signed gives them the right to harvest your organs."
Man says, "Your best legal strategy is to get sworn affidavits from attractive women saying you have cooties."
Woman says, "Heck yes, I'll sign it."
Dilbert says, "I was hoping this would be harder."
Company Lawyer
Dilbert says, "I signed a software contract without getting your input because I was in a hurry."
Dilbert says, "Now the software company claims they can harvest my organs."
Dilbert says, "Do you see any holes in their contract?"
Lawyer says, "They mention holes...
in the context of your torso."
Carol says, "There's a guy in the lobby who says he's here to harvest your organs."
Carol says, "Apparently, you signed a software services agreement without fully understanding it."
Dilbert says, "Well, at least I can save lives."
Carol says, "He said something about his cat's birthday."
Dilbert says, "Your software services contract is too confusing for any normal human to comprehend."
Dilbert says, "And it wouldn't be cost- effective to involve our attorneys for a deal so small."
Dilbert says, "So I'll just take chance and sign it."
Man says, "Doc...
scrub in.
I got the liver."
Company Lawyer
Dilbert says, "I need your legal advice."
Lawyer says, "There's a risk that this could cause a chain reaction that results in a future visionary leader not being born."
Dilbert says, "It's just a maintenance agreement."
Lawyer says, "It's like stabbing Gandhi."
Woman says, "You used the entire engineering portion of my project budget just learning the new technology."
Wally says, "I'm sorry things didn't work out for you."
Wally says, "Some say I'm a slow learner, but I like to think of myself as expensive."
The Boss says, "I have a budget meeting tomorrow with our CFO."
The Boss says, "I'll be competing against all of the other departments for precious budget dollars."
The Boss says, "This won't be easy because all of the other departments are staffed with professional liars."
Dilbert says, "That's a bit of an exaggeration, don't you think?"
The Boss says, "What do you call marketing?"
Dilbert says, "Okay, I'll give you that one."
The Boss says, "Sales?"
Dilbert says, "Right, but..."
The Boss says, "P.R.?"
Dilbert says, "Well, yes..."
The Boss says, "Finance?"
Dilbert says, "I forgot about that one."
The Boss says, "Legal?"
Dilbert says, "Wow."
The Boss says, "Do the next one yourself."
Dilbert says, "How about human resour...
you win."
Wally says, "I can't help on your project this week because we're moving to a new office."
Dilbert says, "It sounds weird because it's true."
Wally says, "I like to throw in a real one every now and then."
Wally says, "You might want to save that attitude for the next round."
Office relocation
Alice says, "Your floor plan puts me between a loud talker and a chronic flatulator."
Tina says, "I could move you to a cubicle between a guy who clears his throat all day and a woman who laughs too much."
Alice says, "Is this because I once said you aren't smart enough to be an engineer?"
Tina says, "Look what I engineered?"
Office Relocation
Office relocation
Tina says, "Your new cubicles will be a color called 'death eater gray.'" Tina says, "The fabric is a soul sponge that will absorb your happiness if you stand hear it."
The Boss says, "How'd the meeting go?"
Tina says, "Well, you know, fear of the unknown."
Office Relocation
The Boss says, "Tina, you'll be in charge of our move to the new building."
Tina says, "That means you think my regular job is so unimportant that I won't be missed if I work on something else for a month."
The Boss says, "If it makes you feel any better, this will take longer than a month."
The boss: How hard would it be to program our website to collect browser history from our visitors?
Dilbert: well, first Id need to invent some sort of device that reverses my sense of right and wrong.
The Boss: so...we we talking about a week ...or a month?
CEO
MONKEY: The media is asking if you'll take the pledge to give your fortune to charity.
CEO: That pledge is for billionaires!
I only have $200 million to leave to my heir!
On a semi-relayted notem find out who keep putting monkey DNA in my clones test tube.
The Boss says, "We have to learn to do more with less."
Dilbert says, "Less meetings?"
The Boss says, "No.
We'll need more meetings to figure out how to do more with less."
Alice says, "Less micro-management?"
The Boss says, "No, I'll have to watch you more closely than ever to make sure you're doing mroe with less."
The Boss says, "I'm talking about using less money."
Alice says, "Oh, like a death spiral.
Why didn't you just say that in the first place?"
Alice says, "It's as if you're talking more to say less."
Dilbert says, "Should we be more like you or less?"
Dilbert says, "It might look as if I'm in a dead-end job, but I'm developing an app in my spare time."
Woman says, "Here's a lottery ticket.
I just doubled your odds of success."
Woman says, "I bought two for myself so I don't need to make an app."
Catbert says, "Facebook has created a giant robot arm to steal talented employees from other companies."
Catbert says, "It's here!!!"
Catbert says, "No, it looks like we got the giant condescending Facebook robot arm instead."
Dogbert Consults
Dogbert: "Where does your company fit on this comprehensive list?"
Facebook, China, Irrelevant
Dogbert says, "Now let's form breakout groups to fantasize about being relevant."
Wally says, "I got your text message and I burped the grope plow armistice as you requested."
Dilbert says, "Maybe you should turn off the auto-correction feature on your phone."
Wally says, "If the weather holds, I'll flail the rude fresco tomorrow."
Accounting
Dilbert says, "You charged my project for expenses that aren't mine."
Finance Troll says, "Let me see that."
Finance Troll says, "We accountants are arsenic-based life forms.
That makes you my natural enemy."
Dilbert says, "That is not logical."
Finance Troll says, "Live long and phospher."
Topper says, "I'm an inch taller than you and my powerpoint slides are in the Louvre."
Topper says, "Some say the earth is on the back of a giant turtle.
But who do you think is holding the turtle?"
Dilbert says, "You?"
Topper says, "Wrong!
It's turtles all the way down.
But who do you think is holding the infinite turtles?"
The Boss: Dilbert, work with Gustav to get our new product explained on our website.
Gustav: Heres what I have so far.
Dilbert: Its awful.
Gustav: excuse me?
Dilbert: there no information.
Its all images and annoying music.
Dilbert: People make buying decisions based on what they read.
This gives them nothing,
Gustav: If I clutter the design with useful information, it will look ugly ad I won't be able to use it in my portfolio.
I need that portfolio to get a job at a better company, Please help me escape.
Gustav: You'll probably work here until you die in your cubicle no matter what the website looks like.
The Boss: Did you help Gustav?
Dilbert: yes, But it wasn't a good day for our stock holders.
Man says, "There is a very simple solution to the problem that is stumping Dilbert."
Man says, "I will gladly explain it to him after this meeting."
Dilbert says, "You're probably wrong, and yet you still made me look like an idiot."
Man says, "I win!"
The Boss says, "The government's new unemployment statistics are out."
The Boss says, "It's still a bad time to look for a job."
Dilbert says, "Yeah.
I got that."
Dilbert says, "If we build our software with no bugs, we can make a 10% return on our investment."
Dilbert says, "But if we do a poor job, we can make a 40% return by selling upgrades and service."
Dilbert says, "But don't worry.
We only have the budget for a poor job."
CEO says, "I can't remember if we're cheap or smart."
Boss says, "Phew!"
The Boss: The experts say Is house motivate you by displaying my own sense of passion and purpose.
I love getting rich at your expense....and golfing!!!
Do you feel and different?
Dilbert: Yup.
Alice says, "Is this how you really write, or did birds walk on your keyboard?"
Alice says, "I only need your opinion on the technical part of it."
Alice says, "Okay, let's assume that your readers will know what you mean by 'blobbing on the ethernet.'"
Woman says, "Dilbert, your boss asked me to get your input on this."
Dilbert says, "Absolutely, Ruth."
Dilbert says, "We have two options for wasting our time here."
Dilbert says, "Option one: I could tell you all of the things you should change, and you could ignore me as usual."
Dilbert says, "Option two: I could lie, and tell you that everything is perfect."
Woman says, "I prefer the lie.
That way I can pin some blame on you if things go bad."
Dilbert says, "Excellent choice.
It's faster, and I can later say I was misinterpreted."
Dilbert says, "Okay then, I declare that your document is perfect, under a certain set of assumptions that I won't list."
The Boss says, "Did you help Ruth?"
Dilbert says, "I'll say yes, but it's sort of a gray area."
The Boss says, "We've decided to use the new tax incentives on the projects we were going to do anyway."
The Boss says, "The tax savings will go toward executive bonuses, which stimulate the economy via the 'trickle on your heads' theory."
Alice says, "It's called the 'trickle down' theory."
The Boss says, "Not on poker night."
Demon says, "The government announced tax incentives for new capital investments."
Dilbert says, "That's great.
Now we can pursue marginally attractive opportunities with our overburdened staff."
Demon says, "Is he always like this?"
The Boss says, "Yes."
Dilbert says, "I'll just divert resources from our top priorities."
The Boss says, "Why did you reject my friend request on Facebook?"
Carol says, "I'm not your friend.
I'm a disgruntled wage slave who hopes you die in a freak industrial accident tomorrow at 3PM."
The Boss says, "That's disturbingly specific."
Carol says, "Hey, look.
You have a meeting at the warehouse tomorrow."