Chemistry song

from "The Odd Half Hour"
Series 3 Episode 4
broadcast on Radio 4
2010-12-07 18:30 - 19:00

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Any chemists in the audience?
- Yes!
Yes! One chemist, good.

What kind of chemist?
- Student chemist.
Student chemist, good.
This is a song about chemistry.

I would like you to count the number of chemical elements
you hear in this song, and we'll compare notes at the end.

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Lab technician Jennifer
She passed my litmus test.
You might say her Bunsen burner
Burnt more brightly than the rest;
Whilst baser elements ogled
Her cracking ARSENIC, her TITANIUMs
I saw past that and I loved her
For what was in her cranium.

These FERMIUM feelings
They were CHLORINE at my heart;
I could BARIUM it no longer,
And though I was TUNGSTEN-tied,
I had to take the LEAD,
I had to CAESIUM the day,
You reap just what you SODIUM,
So this is what I cried:

"Hallo Jen, with your eyes of COBOLT blue,
A MANGANESE-ly fall in love with you
Too ALUMINIUM moon
I have worshipped from afar!"
I know these puns are bad,
But I have SULPHURed for my art.

"Foxy Jen, I am in ARGONy
As I gaze upon your charms!
Let's go BROMINE in the gloaming arm-in-arm!
Don't RADON my parade,
I'm not like those other CADMIUMs.
I really like your pigtails."
She said "Thank you,
I've been PLATINUM."

Despite my a-BISMUTH chat-up line
She agreed to go CARBON-dating.
We took in a show at the PALLADIUM.
(Just so as you know, palladium is an element as well as the name of a theatre.
But now I've explained that
The verse won't SCANDIUM.)

We had dinner at a periodic table set for two,
I bought her some flowers:
They were GERMANIUMs.
Was there really chemistry?
Would she form a compound just with me?
As the night KRYPTON
I gladly walked her homium.

I got down on one NEON,
And as I knelt upon the FLUORINE,
I said, "URANIUM supreme in my eyes!
IODINE you, I adore you,
And I ZINC I've fallen for you,
Will you marry me and HELIUM the heartache
That I feel deep inside?"

She said "Yes!" and from XENON
We have never been apart.
Day and NITROGEN are filled with constant joy.
Life is never BORON
With my chemical sweetheart.
Now we have a wonderful bouncing
Test-tube baby boy.

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