10 common comments on feminist blogposts – and my responses

Journalist Helen Lewis wisely wrote in 2012 that “the comments on any article about feminism justify feminism”. In my experience, she was right. But it’s not just the outrageous threats, misogynistic abuse and so on that emphasise the importance of the movement. It’s also the more subtle responses; the denials and challenges, often repeated over and over, that prove the points that feminist writers are making. In the interest of satisfying some of these heroically persistent critics, here are the answers to the 10 most common “below-the-line” responses I’ve received.

‘This is not specific to any gender’

I like to think of these commenters as sweetly naive rather than deliberately obtuse. Because, of course, were they to look at just a smidgen of the statistical evidence (often cited in the articles beneath which they are commenting) they would realise that these issues – harassment, sexual abuse, workplace discrimination – are very gendered indeed.

‘Well done. You have identified a problem that had been identified a million times. Now what is your solution?’

I feel awful for foisting another article about sexism on this poor beleaguered reader. As tough as it is for him to keep reading about it though, he might want to stop to consider what it’s like to live with it day-in, day-out. Sure, articles highlighting a problem aren’t necessarily a solution in themselves. But when I first started Everyday Sexism, I met the same response again and again: “sexism doesn’t exist any more”. It’s impossible to begin to tackle something without first raising awareness that the problem exists.

‘Why are you whining about this when there are more important things in the world?’

It’s amazing how this criticism is so rarely levelled at football writers, say, or people writing lighthearted pieces about DIY or dogwalking. Curiously, in fact, it’s almost exclusively women who are policed with the shouts of “it’s worse elsewhere so think yourself lucky”. The existence of rape and other forms of sexual violence don’t invalidate the experiences of those who are discriminated against in the workplace or harassed in the street; nobody tells the police to stop investigating fraud until they’ve solved every murder. The presumption that women in the UK have nothing to complain about is simply false: 85,000 women are raped in the UK every year and over 400,000 sexually assaulted. An average of more than two women are killed by a current or former partner every week. And perhaps most importantly of all, this argument fails to see the links between these different forms of oppression and violence. If we aren’t allowed to challenge the more “minor” forms of harassment and discrimination, we set a precedent for the treatment of women as second-class citizens that has a direct impact on the more serious crimes.

‘I don’t know if these people can ever be changed’

It’s probably true that people who are sexist or commit acts of abuse are unlikely to be swayed by a Guardian blogpost. Revelatory. But I’ve heard from a lot of men who say reading these articles has made them rethink sexist behaviour that they had previously considered to be harmless. And it’s my belief that there’s a critical mass of people out there who wouldn’t dream of carrying out such abuse, but also aren’t aware that it’s going on. If we can engage them, and open their eyes to the problem, they will be more likely to take action and become part of the solution. Maybe a dad will read one of these articles and be alerted to the importance of talking to his sons about respect for women. Maybe a woman who has been groped will read one and realise that she has the right to report the incident to the police.

‘If any man tries to grope me, they’ll get a foot slammed somewhere they really don’t want it to be’

I understand the impulse to comment on an article about harassment or groping with suggested reactions, I really do. It’s frustrating to read about people experiencing abuse and it’s a natural human response to offer advice. But these comments utterly fail to recognise the emotional and physical impact of being accosted or assaulted. Time and again, victims report feeling paralysed by shock or fear. By suggesting how women should react, you are (however unintentionally) implicating them in their own assault. More importantly still, focusing on responses fails to put the blame squarely where it really belongs – with the perpetrator.

‘We can all say “men should not do that in the first place” but this is the same as me leaving my car door open with keys in it and saying “people should not rob”’

No, it’s not. First, there is no good way to avoid assault – 90% of rapists are known to their victims, so those old chestnuts about not wearing short skirts, or going out late at night are nonsense. Second, we have to tackle perpetrators, not tell victims how to behave. Third, it’s incredibly insulting to the vast majority of men to suggest that they are inherently savage and will always attack women given an opportunity. Why should we let perpetrators off the hook “because biology”?

‘What about cleaning adverts portraying men as clueless idiots?’… ‘Does Laura Bates really believe no man has ever been propositioned or felt up at work?’

Nope. In fact, the Everyday Sexism Project accepts and publishes entries from men. Yes, there are isolated examples of adverts and media that make negative and sweeping generalisations about men. But most of the articles I write are about women and their experiences of gender inequality. Why? Women experience gender inequality vastly more frequently than men. The inequality women experience tends to be much more severe than that faced by men. And because of the structural, ingrained inequality in the society we live in (economically, professionally, socially), incidents of sexism experienced by women tend to have a much more far reaching impact on their daily lives.

‘I don’t know anyone in my office who behaves that way’ … ‘I just can’t believe that happens regularly’ … ‘I’ve never worked anywhere where these attitudes would be tolerated’

It’s not hugely surprising that many male commenters may not have witnessed sexism or discrimination firsthand. Harassers and abusers often take advantage of moments of isolation, whether in a deserted tube carriage or an empty office. The silencing of victims means that many never tell anybody about their experiences. This is a problem that disproportionately affects women, so of course men are less likely to have seen it happening, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. You can keep trying to suggest the problem isn’t really there because you haven’t seen it, but there’s a pesky amount of evidence to the contrary. Wouldn’t it be easier just to believe us?

‘I don’t think demonising all men is going to help’

It’s amazing how quick some men (yes, #notALLmen, don’t panic) can be to jump to the conclusion that any article describing the actions of a minority must somehow be attacking them. It’s not. But by jumping in to shout that not all men are like those described, you are becoming part of the problem. It’s this kind of defensive response that makes it so hard to speak out about sexism. One great way to make the point that “not all men” are sexist is to get involved in taking a stand – you can start by not derailing articles about the problem.

‘This is just another example of the feminist conspiracy at the Guardian’

Busted.