dogbert wearing face mask: i stopped using good arguments because sarcasm works better.
dilbert wearing face mask: that doesn't sound like a productive thing to do.
dogbert: oooh, look who's an expert on productivity now.
boss wearing face mask: i hired a guy to complain at every meeting by saying, "we have no strategy."mi got him cheap because that's all he does.
dilbert wearing face mask: some would say we don't need him.
boss: maybe they're jealous of his wisdom.
office worker thinking: no strategy
boss wearing face mask: i'm starting to think i'm a bad judge of character.
the last three people i hired turned out to be termite colonies in clothes.
dilbert in face mask: how did they disguise the face part?
boss: they learned from youtube makeup videos.
boss wearing face mask: what would you say are your weaknesses?
office worker: i have a deep disrespect for authority.
boss: but...you don't act on it, right?
office worker: let's not take the surprise out of it.
office worker: i've been working here for nine years, and you haven't given me a single raise!
boss: i didn't even know you worked for me.
obviously, you didn't do anything useful, or i would have noticed.
office worker: well, in that case, i'm glad i didn't give my name.
dilbert and boss wearing face masks.
dilbert: i've noticed that we used to talk about employee morale...
but now we talk about "engagement" and "workplace culture."
why is that?
boss: we found out it doesn't matter if you are happy.
dilbert: remind me to never ask another question.
dilbert and carol wearing face masks.
dilbert: i'm thinking about writing a novel.
carol yelling: stay in your lane!
i'm not ambitious and i have intense hate-jealousy for anyone who is!
dilbert: i was looking for some encouragement.
dilbert and dogbert wearing face masks on a walk.
dilbert: i'm thinking about writing a book.
dogbert: can boring people write interesting books?
dilbert: maybe i write better than i speak.
dogbert: sure, and maybe an elephant lives in my colon.
all parties wearing face masks.
boss: i'm starting a whisper campaign against my rival in management.
i want you to tell people he buys babies from the poor and eats them.
dilbert: no one is dumb enough to believe that.
boss: people will believe anything.
dilbert: not anything.
boss: yes, anything.
i'll try it, but only to prove how wrong you are.
office worker: how many does he eat per day?
dilbert thinking: i need a new planet.
dilbert and dogbert watching tv.
tv: a new study shows that all data about everything is wrong.
experts advised using horoscopes and guesswork to make decisions.
dilbert: my co-workers already do that.
dogbert: they were ahead of their time.
boss and carol wearing face masks.
boss: i was falsely accused of being a white supremacist and fired.
but i won in arbitration and got my job back!
carol: how did you win?
once you realize the whole system is rotten, it's easier.
boss, alice and dilbert wearing face masks.
boss: i have been unjustly accused of being a white supremacist, and my boss just fired me for it.
alice is the obvious choice to take my job, so i assume you will hear something on that soon.
i wish i knew who had the motive to start that rumor and get me fired.
ceo: i have to fire you because employees are saying you are a white supremacist.
boss: but i'm not.
ceo: doesn't matter.
i care more about my career than your life.
boss: you're firing me just to look good?
ceo: and i'll need to punch you in front of witnesses.
ceo: i'm getting reports from your staff that you're a white supremacist.
boss wearing face mask and drinking coffee: but i'm not.
ceo: we have proof because you follow racists on twitter.
boss: what makes you think they are racists?
ceo: because they follow you on twitter.
catbert: members of your staff have complained that you are a white supremacist.
boss wearing face mask: but...i'm not.
catbert: that's not for you to decide.
boss: who gets to decide?
catbert: people who want your job.
it's not a perfect system.
staff in conference room and all wearing face masks.
dilbert: we agreed at our last meeting to postpone the version release.
tina: no, we agreed to do it sooner.
dilbert: i don't think so.
who took notes at the last meeting?
wally: i did.
click wally: forwarding those notes to each of you.
dilbert: um...your notes are mostly insults about the intelligence of your co-workers and...some sort of snack list.
this is no help at all.
wally: don't blame me.
i'm not the one who schedules these meetings when i'm hungry.
boss and wally wearing face masks.
boss: why should we do what you are suggesting when literally no one has ever tried it before?
wally: because everything good and amazing had to be done by someone for the first time.
boss: will this be good and amazing?
wally: let's keep this on the concept level.
dilbert talking to dogbert on couch
dilbert: i've been saying "no" to people all week, and nothing bad happened to me.
why did i never know about this superpower?
now i am the ruler of my own destiny!
dilbert wearing face mask: did you know you can just refuse to do things that are stupid, and it will be okay?
tina: i don't believe that.
dilbert: it's true!
i've been testing it all week.
tina: take a video next time you do it so i can see how.
dilbert: no, that's stupid.
boss and dilbert wearing face masks
boss: put this on a pie chart instead of a line graph.
dilbert: no, that's stupid.
i'm not going to do that.
dilbert: why is this working?
dilbert: yesterday i refused to do something i had been asked to do because it was stupid.
and it worked out fine.
wally: don't let the power go to your head.
dilbert doing happy dance: i am off the leash!
dilbert: would you like to go to dinner with me?
women: only if you self-quarantine for two weeks first.
dilbert: can do!
women: well, it seems i underestimated your desperation.
wally sneezes and his mask flies out from his face and slaps him in the face and he falls out of his chair.
dilbert watching: the pundits were right- everything is different now.
doctor: we need to do contact tracing to determine who else you might have infected with cooties.
how may women have you had physical contact with in the past two weeks?
dilbert: i'd rather not say.
doctor: i'll put you down for zero.
doctor: in my professional opinion, you have a bad case of the cooties.
we don't have any tests for cooties, but the main symptom is skepticism, and you have that.
dilbert: cooties are not real.
doctor: diagnosis confirmed.