Dilbert sits down at a meeting next to a goat.
Dilbert says, "Who are you?"
The goat says, "I'm a scapegoat."
There is the "bang" of gun.
The scapegoat lies feet up on the floor.
The boss, who carries a large rifle, says, "Oops.
I was aiming for the messenger."
Dilbert says, "It's his fault for being here."
Dogbert stands on Wally's desk, wearing a hardhat.
Dogbert says, "I'm from the Dogbert Wrecking Company."
Dogbert continues, "I'm running a special on crushing your boss' new car in the parking lot."
Wally asks, "What does it cost?"
Dogbert: "The first one is free."
Dogbert adds, "If you're satisfied, I hope you'll consider my monthly plan."
Wally is standing at the window with Dogbert, pointing outside.
"It's the red one.
He brags about it every day."
The Boss is standing in front of Wally and Dilbert, holding up a model car.
The Boss explains, "And when you spend that much, the dealer gives you a free model of your car!"
There is a car horn heard off in the distance.
Wally is slipping Dogbert a stack of bills.
He adds, "And next month can you crush the little one on his desk too?"
Dilbert says, "Yesterday you told me to do the exact opposite of what you told me today."
The boss says, "It's my way of holding you accountable."
Dilbert is in his cubicle.
Dilbert thinks, "I have a vague feeling that I am not being all that I can be."
The boss sits in meeting next to Dogbert who is dressed in a turban.
The boss says, "My atrologer tells me that someone here is plotting to rip me off."
Asok says, "How much is your atrologer charging you?"
The boss says, "Are you plotting to rip me off?"
Dogbert says, "I prefer to call it hourly billing."
The boss says, to Alice "My atrologer told me to approve your project plan as is."
Alice says, "What?!
That's the right decision.
What's going on here?"
Alice says, to Dilbert over the cubicle wall, "My theory is that his ignorance clouded his poor judgement."
Dogbert sits at a table with the boss.
Dogbert wears a turban.
Dogbert says, "You must use the stars as your management guide."
The boss says, "Does that work?"
The boss says, "If you believe it works, then you're not bright enough to make your own decisions anyway."
Dogbert wags his tail.
Dogbert says, "So randomness is probably an improvement."
The boss says, "Q.E.D."
The rodeo clown runs after the boss and says, "wah-wah!
Woo-Woo!"
The rodeo clown sticks his tongue out and waves his hands around.
The boss snorts and charges like a bull, his hair like horns.
The rodeo clown pulls himself out of the way using a cubicle wall.
Wally and Dilbert watch over the walls of thier cubicle.
Dilbert says, "Just as I suspected, the new guy is a rodeo clown."
Wally says, "he's fast."
A man in a dirty shirt says, to the boss, "Mwa fwa fwa ooh mah fuh."
The boss says, "I can't understands a word you say."
The boss says, "And your poorly dressed.
You must be some sort of technology expert.
Or a rodeo clown."
The boss introduces dirty guy to Alice.
The boss says, "There's a fifty percent chance I hired a data network engineer."
Alice says, "I smell hay."
Alice, to the Boss, who is sitting at his desk, "...So our morale is...
umm..."
Alice asks, "What's that on your desk?"
The Boss says, "It's a family picture."
Alice picks up the photograph, "I might be wrong but I think it's only a picture of you."
The Boss says, "The rest of the family is hard to look at."
The Boss continues, "I see no reason I should suffer."
Alice is stunned.
The Boss asks, "Now what was your question about morale?"
Alice walks out of the Boss' office.
He calls to her, "Alice?"
The Boss picks up the picture of himself and says, directly to it, "We're surrounded by freaks."
Wally and Dilbert are in the office kitchen getting coffee.
Wally says, "I believe God created the earth because he hates people."
Wally says, "And I believe coffee tastes better if you stir it with your finger."
Dilbert says, "It sound like a lonely religion."
Wally says, "They all start that way."
Dilbert stands next to a projection on the wall.
Dilbert says, "This concludes my presentation.
Are there are any questions?"
The people in the meeting have their hands to their ears and look terrified.
One man says, "How do I get the boredome out of my head?!"
Dilbert thinks, "The funny thing is that I'll list thia on my annual accomplishments."
The people say, in unison, "Air!
I need air!!!"
Dilbert gives a presentation using an overhead projector.
Dilbert says, "I'd like to start with a cartoon."
Dilbert points at the projection and says, "It's about a guy who shows a cartoon before giving a boring presentation."
Dilbert says, "But it doesn't work because the cartoon has no punchline."
Dilbert and Dogbert sit at the breakfast table.
Dilbert has his lap top in front of him.
Dogbert says, "They say people fear public speaking more than they fear death."
Dogbert says, "So technically, if you kill a guy who's scheduled to speak, you're doing him a favor."
Dogbert says, "When are you going to sleep."
Dilbert says, "Never."
The boss stands in Dilbert's cubilce.
The boss says, "Prepare a presentation for our foreign visitors."
Dilbert says, "On what topic?"
The boss says, "It doesn't matter.
I'm told they're from Austria and they only understand their own language."
The boss walks away and thinks, "Or was it Australia?"
Dilbert and dogbert walk outside.
Dilbert says, "...And we know mass creates gravity because dense planets have more gravity."
They stop, Dilbert sits on a rock.
Dogbert says, "How do we know which planets are more dense?"
Dilbert says, "They have more gravity."
Dogbert says, "That's circular reasoning."
Dilbert says, "I prefer to think of it as having no loose ends."
The boss sits across from Asok.
The boss says, "Asok, I can't give raises to young employees."
The boss says, "Because as soon as you get a few dollars in your pocket..."
The boss says, "You buy small motorcycles a disappear in the night."
The boss says, "I know that's a generalization."
The boss says, "Some of you prefer the crack cocaine."
Asok is mad.
The boss says, "The good new is that I'm willing to be your mentor."
Asok gets up and screams.
Asok says, "Aaagh!
I got double eight hundreds on my SAT!!!
For what?!!"
The boss walks Asok out.
The boss says, "Sometimes when I'm in a bad mood I tickle my own feet."
Caption: 'Catbert: Evil H.R.
Director" Catbert sits at his computer and writes, "....New policy on reimbursement for travel..."
Dilbert, at his computer, reads, "Do not tip more than ten percent for meals.."
Catbert writes, "If the meal costs more than six dollars, bring back a fork."
Catbert purrs.
The Boss approaches Tina and says, "...so Tina, you shouldn't have..."
Tina thinks to herself, "I'm in trouble.
Must use secret weapon."
Tina begins to cry and scream, "WAAH!!
WAAH!!
Everybody hates me no matter what I do!!"
Alice leans over her cubicle and says, "Thanks, that lowered the glass ceiling about a foot."
Tina replies, "I plan to marry a rich guy."
The boss meets with Wally and Dilbert.
The boss says, "Our executives have started their annual strategic planning sessions."
The boss says, "This involves sitting in a room with inadequate data until an illusion of knowledge is attained."
The boss says, "Then we'll reorganize.
because that's all we know how to do!"
Wally says, "Have you tried it with a magazine?
Caption: Catbert: H.R.
Director" Allan is in Catbert's office.
He has a lapm strapped to his back.
Allan says.
"My boss treats me like furniture."
Catbert says, "I'd help you, but it might set a dangerous precedent."
Allan says, "I need a new position."
Catbert says, "Have you tried crouching?"
Allen (aka the sacrificial lamb) stands in the boss' office.
The boss says, "Allen, I have to cut the salary budget.
I probaly shouldn't have hired you yesterday."
The boss says, "Luckily, I have extra money in the furniture budget."
Allan rest on all fours with a lamp on his back.
allan thinks, "As God is my witness, someday I will be a credenza."
The boss introduces a new man to Dilbert.
The boss says, "Dilbert, meet our new sacrifial lamb."
The boss says, "I filled our headcount vacancy so we have someone to dump after the next budget cut."
The lamb says, "Should we shake hands?"
The boss says, "I don't want to get attached."
Wally, the boss, Dilbert and Alice are in a meeting.
Wally says, "It's time now for the weekly Wally report."
Wally says, "By Tuesday the pointy-haired troll had dumped record levels of work on poor Wally."
Wally says, "Wally's happiness was in extreme jeapardy."
Wally says, "It was a moral dilemma too."
Wally says, "Would Wally disappoint the stockholders to save his own skin?"
Wally says, "Or would he fight with his last ounce of happiness to complete all the assignments?"
Wally says, "In the end there was only one choice."
Dilbert says, "You wrote the Wally report instead of working?"
Wally says, "Stop reading ahead!"
The boss sits at his desk with a huge pile of papers in front of him.
The boss thinks, "This one has been on my desk for a month it's critical."
The boss thinks, "I'll stick it back in the pile and see if that helps."
The boss thinks, "Yes, I feel better already."
Dilbert walks with a woman down the sidewalk.
The woman says, "Would you like to see my pierced bellybutton?"
Dilbert says, "Um..."
The wowan shows Dilbert.
Dilbert says, "Aaah!
Aaah!
Ow!
Ow!
Ow!"
and looks like he's about to throw up.
Dilbert shakes as he walks next to the woman who looks mad.
Dilbert thinks, "I still have a chance of a kiss if I keep this to dry heaves."
The boss, Wally, Dilbert and Alice are in a meeting.
The Boss says, "Anyone who takes more than thirty minutes for lunch is unprofessional."
Wally says, "That's still too long!
I say your unprofessional after six minutes!"
The boss says, "That's a little too professional, Wally."
Wally says, "Death to those who eat!!"
Dilbert works on a computer with a screwdriver.
A stupid looking man offers Dilbert a piece of wood with a nail in it.
The dumb man says, "I didn't know how to design a power supply, so I put a nail in a piece of wood."
The man says, "I'm on vacation tomorrow, so I'll give you my files in case you need to make changes."
Dilbert holds the wood and looks mad.
The stupid man says, "Once I had he idea, it all came together pretty quickly."
Caption: "Catbert: H.R.
Director" Catbert says, to Asok, "I value the input of all employees..."
Catbert says, "....including the morons.
Although in those cases, I cover my ears and sing loudly>" Asok says, "So I was thinking maybe..."
Catbert begins to sing, "He's a pinball wizard"
A man says, "I'd like to spend the first hour defining what "information technology" means."
Asok raises his hand and says, "Ooh!
Ooh!
Can I help pass ou the materials?"
Dilbert and Wally both look at Asok.
Wally says, "It's not a good idea to mix enthusiasm with stupidty, Asok."
Asok says, "Oh, sorry."
Caption: "CAtbert: H.R.
Director".
Catbert is at his desk.
A voice says, "The ceiling in my work area collapsed."
A man stands with a still beam stuck on his head.
Catbert says, "No one else has complained."
The man says, "A steel beam hit me in the head!"
Catbert says, "How can I be sure it didn't happen in your home?"
The man says, "There aren't any steel beams in my house!!"
Catbert says, "Maybe you removed them with your head."
The man says, "Uh-oh....
losing consciousness."
and falls over.
Catbert says, to the man's feet, "If you can hear me, don't worry!
I'll write your suicide note!!"
Dilbert eats chips at home.
Dogbert says, "Do you think that I have too much false humility?"
Dilbert says, "Try going a week withou using any false humilty, so I can see the differrnce" Dogbert wears a crown and stands over Dilber who lies under the covers in bed.
Dogbert says, "Wake up, you piece of fetid carp, and experiance the joy of knowing Dogbert!!!"
Dilbert thinks, "This could be a long week."
Caption: "Dogbert's tech support" Dogbert sits at a computer and talks on the phone.
Dogbert says, "I'll need your serial number, which is conveniently located inside the unit.
The man on the other end of the phone says, "The sticker says my warranty will be void if I open the case."
DOgbert says, "Well, call me if anything changes."
Caption: "Dogbert's tech support" Dogbert sits at a computer and speaks on the phone.
Dogbert says, "First I need to ask you many questions."
Dogbert says, "Then I will transfer you to someone who will ask you the same questions again."
Dogbert says, "We do this to remove any hope you might have had that we understand technology."
The meeting peers from behind a cubicle at the boss who is talking to Asok.
The moth thinks, "My moth sense has detected a meeting."
The moth says, "Hi, guys!
What are you talking about?
Is this a meeting?
I can't resist joining in."
Asok holds out a donut.
Asok says, "Run for it!
I'll hold him off with this cedar-flavored donut!!!"
Dilbert walks cursing.
His clothing is chewed to bits.
Alice also curses.
her clothing also has large bites taken out of it.
The meeting moth walks with his mouth full and his hands full of cloth.
The moth thinks, "A "meeting moth" should never go to a meeting on an empty stomach."
Dilbert in his co-workers sit in the conference room.
The meeting moth approaches and thinks, "The 'meeting moth' is attracted to all meetings."
Wally and Dilbert sit as the meeting moth enters the room.
He says, "Excuse me.
I can't resist the urge to beat myself senseless on your table."
Dilbert and Wally stand and watch as the meeting moth climbs on the table and begins to bang it's head and body on it.
Wally says, "You have to envy his sense of purpose."
Mordac bursts into Dilbert's cubicle.
Mordac says, "I am Mordac.
the preventor of information services!"
Mordac says, "I'll take your computer and your little PDA too!"
Dilbert hugs his monitor.
Mordac says, "Do you recognize this?"
Mordac holds up a wire.
Dilbert says, "Aaaagh!
That's my network cable!"
Dilbert says, "What do you want from me?!"
Catbert leans over the cubicle wall.
Catbert says, "Mordac, it is I catbert, the evil director of human resources!"
Catbert jumps down onto Mordac.
Catbert says, "You made my personal printer a shared device!"
Dilbert watches a clothing flies.
Dilbert is at home and says, to Dogbert, "Two wrongs made a right."
Dogbert says, "Welcome to my reality."
Caption "Doctor Dogbert" Dogbert wears a crown and stethoscope.
A fully clothed man sits on the examination table.
He says, "I hurt my elbow, doctor."
Dogbert says, "Let me see it."
The man pulls down his pants.
Dogbert says, "I recommend a career in marketing.
And it's not a good idea to vote."
Caption: "Doctor Dogbert" Dogbert wears a crown and stethoscope.
A bald man in black socks and boxers sits on the examining table.
Dogbert says, "I'm putting you on extreme herbal therapy."
Dogbert writes a prescription and says, "Come to my house once a week and eat my lawn down to one inch."
The man gets dressed.
Dogbert says, "After six months, if your hair doesn't grow back, I have more herbs in my storm gutters."
Dogbert dressed in a crown and sceptar stands by Dilbert's computer.
Dogbert says, "I need a job where my immense ego seems normal."
Dogbert says, "I've decided to be a doctor.
I will determine who lives and who dies!"
Dogbert is in a doctor's office.
He still wears the crown and has a stethoscope around his neck.
A man in boxer shorts says, "What?
I can't die from an ulcer!"
Dogbert says, "Maybe not, but I enjoy the challenge."
Dogbert dressed in a crown and sceptar says, to Bob, "Bob, from now on, I will refer to myself in the third person."
Dogbert says, "Dogbert does this to emphasize his special brand of greatness."
Bob says, "Bob thinks that is a good idea."
Dogbert says, "Hey!
You're ruining it!"
Dilbert is in a metting with another man and a woman.
The man says, "We didn't include engineers in the product planning sessions because....
um..
because...."
The woman says, "Because we were art history majors in college."
The man says, "Par-r-r-r-rty!"
The woman says, "How soon can you build the cloak of invisibility?"
The man says, "Let the man think, Clover."
Asok says, to Carol, "Carol, I'd like to reserve teh conferance room."
Carol says, "Ha ha ha ha!
I laugh at your request without even explaining why."
Asok is in his cubicle.
Asok thinks, "Someday I will be so powerful that secretaries will HAVE to explain why they laugh at me."
Dilbert is in the boss' office.
The boss says, "Make your report consistent with our strategic plan."
Dilbert says, "What's out strategic plan?"
The boss says, "It's a secret."
Dilbert says, "Are you saying you don't trust me?"
The boss says, "I don't think it's a coincidence that most employee sabotage is done by employees."
Dilbert says, "How can I do my report if I don't know the strategy?!
The boss says, "Okay, okay.
I'll let you glance at it."
The boss pulls a piece of paper out of his desk.
The boss barely lets Dilbert see the paper.
The boss says, "Time's up!
That's long enough!"
Dilbert says, "That's the warranty for your chair."
The boss says, "Really?
I've been managing to this for years."
The boss says, to Alice, "Alice, we lost our biggest customer because you missed the R.F.Q.
deadline."
Alice says, "That's because YOU said all overnight mail must go through your evil and lazy secretary."
Alice says, "So you're probably going to apologize and give me a bonus for my effort."
the boss says, "What's your second guess?"
Carol stands behind Alice who is at her computer.
Carol says, "I'm taking your urgent document to the overnight drop box, with nine minutes to spare."
Carol says, "The box is only eight minutes away.
I'll stop for coffee first."
Alice grimaces.
Carol says, "Don't worry.
If the truck is pulling away from the box, I'll wedge this in the back bumper."
Carol holds out Alice's report.
Alice makes the fists of death.
Alice stands at Carol's desk.
Alice hair is a mess and she holds a report.
Alice says, "I stayed awake for two days straight to finish this R.F.Q.
by the deadline."
Alice says, "But it will all be for nothing if you don't send it out today."
Alice hands the folder to Carol.
Carol puts the folder in the middle of a huge pile of papers on her desk and says, "I'll put it in the middle of the stack so I won't forget."
Ratbert says, to Bob the dinosaur, "Bob, have you ever noticed that the people with the most experience are the ones who die?"
Bob says, "No."
Ratbert says, "My plan is to spend the rest of my life in an old coffee can, experiencing nothing.
Hence, immortality."
Dilber says, to Ratber who sits in a coffee can, "How was your first week of immortality?"
Ratbert says, "So far, it's overrated."
Dilbert peers over his cubicle wall.
Dilbert thinks, "As usual, Carol is on the phone yelling at her kids."
Wally also peers over his partition.
Dilbert thinks, "I wait, like a cheetah, for a chance to ask her for the key to the supply cabinet."
Dilbert says, to Wally, "Are you waiting like a cheetah?"
Wally says, "I'm more of a panda."
Dilbert stands at Carol's desk.
Dilbert says, "....And one box of those big binder clips...."
Carol's phone rings.
Carol screams into the phone, "Timmy, unite the neighbors and do your homework."
Dilbert says, "Maybe I'll come back later."
Carol says, "Do NOT light that gasoline!!"
Dilbert is at a cocktail party.
A woman says, "You spilled red wine on your shirt."
The woman says, "You should dilute it with white wine."
A woman throws a glass of wine in Dilberts face and says, "You'll thank me for this later."
The woman says, "I think that helped."
Another woman approaches.
Woman 2 says, "You need salt to absorb it."
Woman 2 throws a drink in Dilbert's face and says, "Try my margarita."
Women 1 says, "Salt didn't work.
Let's try pepper spray."
Woman 2 says, "Perhaps lighter fluid..."
Woman one sprays pepper spray and says, "No harm in trying."
Woman 2 says, "I have one more idea."
Dilbert walks into his living room with his shirt burned.
dilbert says, "Just once, I'd like to got to a party and not be set on fire."
Dogbert says, "There is a stain on your rug."